Recently I have been spending a lot of time with my extended family, it’s the family season. We’ve had birthday parties, meetings, graduations and holidays to celebrate. I’ve also been witness to blow-out, one rolled eye away from a smack-down at these said family fests. They have made me want to be apart of the Kardashian or Simmons’ households who neatly handle all their family quarrels in 30 minutes. Wouldn’t it be great if real life could play out like tv? That is not my reality. It’s amazing how my family members people will treat complete strangers with more respect than people we are told by our grandmothers and mothers to love. I am a very BIG believer that you pick your friends not your family, so I don’t feel beholden to any of them except for my mom and my grandparents because they had a hand in providing my genetic material. So when I called to tell my Mom that I wasn’t going to be able to make it out to the evening’s family celebration, and she offered to come pick me up, I knew I shouldn’t protest. I actually almost gasped when she offered. My mother does not come to my house. I have lived here for over five years and I can count on my hands and two toes the number of times she has visited. In other words she didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t coming and she wasn’t taking no for an answer.
On the way over I wondered how I had gotten caught up in this celebration. I had planned to stay home and watch John and Kate plus Eight, but I know there is no time like the present to build relationships and tv is forever. We generally never go to restaurants our parties our held in living rooms, basements, on patios and sometimes in rented space, so this was a treat that I wouldn’t have to help bring the dishes up and bust some suds.
As we waited for our meals to arrive, one of my cousins suggested we play table topics. The table topic was “What’s on your bucket list?”. Travel and marriage seemed to be on everybody’s list. Now there were 5 older women at the table with 8 marriages between them, but four of them wanted to be remarried before they kicked the bucket. This desire to remarry led to deeper discussion and provided material for the topic of today’s blog.
How to get a man?
Wear vanilla scents. Bathe in it, lather on the lotion, spritz or spray it on, but smell like vanilla. It’s the universally man approved scent. Apparently Oprah and Steve Harvey agreed on this on her show and my cousins swear by it.
Cook. It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook. He doesn’t care if you just poured it out of a sack into a skillet or bowl and added water. So fix a dish and invite him over.
Look decent, even dare I say fabulous all the time but most importantly while running mundane errands. Put some lipstick on (not to be confused with lip gloss), curl your hair and coordinate. I am soooooo guilty of running to the store looking Heck-Hell-Tick otherwise known as hectic.
Let him miss you. Don’t be available all the time even if your plan was just to pick lint out of your belly button on Friday night. Oh and don’t answer every phone call, text or email.
Smile. Show those pearly whites and look pleasant.
Just in case you need this once you get the man, but decide you don’t want him.
How to get rid of a man?
Chop the ego down. Tell him how you really feel about what he does in the bedroom or just make something up.
Talk about another man or ask him to give you the number of one his friends (preferably one that is cuter or one that makes more money than him).
Ask for money, and oh not a paltry sum at least $1k.
Let another man answer your phone when he calls.
Have another man pick you up from a date or his house. This may start a fight so do this at your own risk.