what you talkin’ bout Willis…

I must warn you this is long…


I decided to go out on a blind date. A kind hearted friend of mine who is concerned about me finding a potential husband felt it necessary to intervene due to my failed attempts to find someone on my own. It might be an interesting experiment to involve other people in the ridiculousness that I have found dating in the A. Don’t get me wrong it is fun, exciting and entertaining, but since I am not doing a good job of picking the winners I felt it might be helpful to involve others.


I agreed to meet the blind date for drinks before going to a sporting event. I am not into sports at all. I take that back I will go to a game to eat funnel cakes or go to a championship game party to eat cheese dip. Other than that I pretty much avoid sports. I texted, the devil, my friend the day of regarding the date specifics. She wouldn’t really tell me anything other than his name, a few physical characteristics so that I could identify him and where we were to meet. I arrived at the designated spot a little early and sat down at the bar. I was there for about twenty five minutes when I became a little concerned, the blind date hadn’t showed. I thought to myself am I being stood up. Then my phone buzzed. Luckily, I went to the wrong restaurant, by no fault of mine there was some confusion over the name of the place. Relieved, I texted her that I was leaving and on my way to the correct place which turned out to be a sports bar.

When I arrived at the bar I went inside and texted my friend that I was at the right place. I walked through the place looking from face to face for someone who fit the general description of my blind date. I went back to the  front of the place and scanned the room. A group of men standing nearby asked me if HE was late. I chuckled and told them I wasn’t sure yet. I looked at my phone and I had another text, this one said that he was there and looking for me. There was a man standing off to the right of me who looked like he fit the description, I looked at him then looked back off into the crowd. I thought to myself is that him. I figured it probably was my blind date, so I looked back and said “Are you _____?” He responded yes. I looked at him most likely with a blank look on my face, since I was literally thinking what was my friend thinking, but then I smiled and held my hand out. He was bald, about medium height, with an athletic build and a light beard or maybe it was a five o’clock shadow. He wore a leather motorcycle jacket and had a bandana tied to his head. His voice was raspy like he drank 40’s and smoked a pack of cigarettes every day. My biggest issue was the tooth pick hanging out of his mouth. Damn P. Diddy for popularizing the use of the after dinner food particle dislodger as a fashionable mouth accessory. Guys it is not sexy to keep a tooth pick in your mouth. If you have to use it, do so then discard it.

After I quickly sized him up I told him how I thought it was hilarious that I had gone to the wrong restaurant. He said it was no problem and that he was just happy I got there. He told me to follow him and we went upstairs to find a seat. When we sat down we played 21 questions. We started off with where are you from. We are both originally from the same place, but he went to some random highschool in the city. I thought this was strange because I was sure my friend said they went to the same school. I glossed over this and asked him how old he was. He seemed a little older than what I expected and what she texted me, but I thought well maybe she told me that just to get me out and or she hit the wrong numbers. I was under the impression that we were going to the game so I asked if we should get going since we got started a little late. He said the game was in the third quarter and by the time we got there the game would be over. Then he asked if I wanted to leave and go somewhere else. I declined and told him I knew he wanted to see the game and it was fine if we stayed because I liked the bar’s sweet potato fries. Next I asked him what he did. He said he was a ____. I was instantly intrigued because I had never met a ____ and I had tons of questions to ask him. Despite my curiosity the snob in me reared its ugly head and I thought oh my, did my friend really think I would be interested in him. She knows me and I thought my type so I made a mental note that we would need to discuss later. I am not going to tell you what he did because I don’t think it is necessary to offend anyone who does what he does or knows someone that does. At this point, a waiter comes up to the table we are sitting at and says that we have to move because the space is reserved. He suggests we go to the roof top, and I was like why it’s cold outside. He grins and says that they have heaters, I thought be easy so instead of protesting I follow him up the stairs. I think to myself I just have to make it through one date.

Luckily when we get upstairs a manager is coming out of the door and says they are shutting the roof top down in 10 minutes. I start walking back down the stairs and he is like where are you going. I tell him that I would like to put our names in to get a table and get settled. He says that he wants to smoke a cigarette. I smile and think oh great and he smokes too I have hit the jackpot. I told him that I would wait on him downstairs. I guess he changed his mind because he followed me back downstairs. Once we arrived at the hostess stand he asked me again if I wanted to leave and I replied that since I had gone to the wrong place initially and we weren’t going to the game I wanted to stay put. I wasn’t moving my car I had already spent $20 parking and I wasn’t getting in his car or possibly on his bike.

Of course there was a wait, so I just put my name in for a table. My phone starts to ring and since it’s my friend I answer my cell. My friend screams at me where are you and I’m like I’m sitting here with your friend. She is like cool glad you found him, he called me and screamed on me because he was getting anxious. I look at him and said you screamed at her, then I said to her I will handle him and chat with you later. I then turn to him and asked why he felt it necessary to scream on her. He responded that whatever he said wasn’t that bad. He then asked me what I did for a living. I told him that it wasn’t nearly as interesting as his job and asked him another question about what he did.

I was seated facing him when someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around to see a young man standing behind me holding out a cell phone and he said your friend is on the phone and handed me his cell. I look back at my blind date then back to the young man and see my friend’s name in the phone he is handing to me so of course I take the phone and said Hello. My friend is yelling at me and said you are talking to the wrong guy. I respond What!?!?!? She then screams at me again you are talking to the wrong guy!!! WTF! I look back at my blind date and immediately I’m like oh my gosh who are you then I look at the guy who brought the cell phone over. I then tell my girl in my defense I want you to know that they look similar. They did in the sense that they were both bald with a beard, medium height with an athletic build and that would be exactly where the similarities ended. I look at my fake blind date and I’m like you told me your name was ______. Then he is all like oh no my name is Anthony. My mind is reeling, but I’m happy that my friend didn’t really hook me up with this guy and it was all just crazy confusion. I told her I had to go so I could sort it all out.

I tell the fake blind date that he should be shamed lying and tell him that while it was nice to meet him I have to go. I am relieved, but still angry. The horror of this blind date is still haunting as I type. First that this psycho man played along and acted like he was my blind date when he knew good and well he was not. Second that he tried to take me to a second location. Oh the tragedy had I left with him. NOTHING good happens if the perpetrator takes you to a second location.  Third the snobbery that I experienced that I have never formally recognized but now I know I possess. 

If and when you go out on a blind date ask to see a license.

Love in this Club…

I am a strong believer that the club is NOT where I should meet men. Don’t get me wrong great people go to the club. I go to the club and my friends go to the club, but it is the last place I would consider when looking for a man. I could meet a man who is the embodiment of all that I desire, possess all 67 of the things I want in a man, but if I met him at the club it would be a no go. The mixture of booze, dim lights, smoke and late night hours just doesn’t make me feel comfortable trusting myself with anyone I might meet while I am there. However, I do believe that men think that they can really find that special someone at the club.


I no longer go to the club just to hang out. I go out with a purpose and for a reason. My purpose this Saturday was a celebration of life, one of my favorite friends was celebrating her 30th birthday so I decided to step out for a night on the town. Looking nice, smelling nice, feeling nice I headed to dinner and then out to the club.


When we arrived at the club I picked out a prime wall location to watch and observe. Once stationed, I watched purses and drinks while my friends danced. I don’t go to the club to dance, I go for the people, and I love to people watch. My favorite places for this past time include the airport, mall and of course the club. I was sitting down tapping my foot to the beat, but then my song came on by Mister Johnny Boy Legend I think it’s called Green Light. I had to get up and shake a tail feather, so I told one of my girls to watch everyone’s stuff. I ran to the dance floor and I was two stepping it all over the place. A guy came up behind me. Don’t like that at all so I turned around to tell him as much, but he was cute so I decided I could dance a little jig with him. We shimmied, two stepped and he twirled me twice. When the song went off I made my way back to my post. He followed me.


“You ran off the dance floor, you don’t like the way I dance?”

“Oh, I don’t really dance; I do a little something when my jam comes on.” I snapped my fingers, puckered my lips and started to shake my hips. He started to laugh. “But seriously I don’t dance.”

“Oh, I thought I might have scarred you off?”
“Oh not at all.”

“Hope another one of your jams comes on then.”

“Don’t get greedy, you were lucky, it’s rare that I dance.”

“Excuse me? You are funny. Do you want something to drink?”

“Oh no I’m fine. I have some water right here.”

“Let me get you a real drink.”

“No thank you, I’m not drinking, but maybe my girl wants something.” I turn to my friend standing next to me and ask her if she wants a drink. I then turn back to him and tell him she wants a martini. He looks at me funny and then leans in and asks,

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Ursala, and you are?”

“I’m M______”

“My friend wants a martini.”

“I didn’t ask your friend if she wanted a drink I asked you.”

“Well I don’t want one, but she does.” He then signaled some dude, he walked over they had a quick exchange. Then he says her drink is coming.


He asked me a couple more questions, but then he asked if I had any kids, I was turned off. I hate when guys ask this question. We are at the club, keep it light and breezy.  I told him no, then I completely turned my body and started talking to my girl. He tapped me on my shoulder after a while and asked a few more questions I didn’t care to answer. I then excused myself and walked off. I didn’t see him anymore that evening until I came out of the club. He walks over to me and says.

“It was nice meeting you. Did you have a good time?”

“Yes I did!”

“I have a question for you. Where did I go wrong?”

“Huh?!? What?”

“I thought we were having a good conversation, but then you walked off. Then I saw you talking to some other guy and you were laughing and carrying on. You looked like you were really having a good time. What did he say to you? I am just trying to improve myself, step up my game. I think you are beautiful and you seem like a nice girl. I am a nice guy, have my ish together and I want to know what a girl like you wants to hear.”


I am really weirded out. I am thinking this dude is crazy, but I could tell he was sincere and really serious so I felt like I should try to help him. I am a sucka for a person who appears to be in need. Plus I love to share my opinions, so when someone asks for it who am I to deny them. I didn’t really know what to tell him. I couldn’t really remember the conversation I had with the guy he was talking about, but I remembered he was funny and light. So I say “Uhm, you want to know what he said?”

“Yes, what did he say to you?”

“Well it’s not really what he said. When at the club I’m not looking for deep conversation. I can barely hear you and I don’t need you screaming a whole lot of stuff in my ear. So just keep it simple and light. Crack a joke, tell me I look nice, and ask I don’t know maybe why I’m out.”

“What was wrong with what I said?”

“You ask too many questions.”

“You think I was asking too many questions.”

“Yes. It was like 21 Questions.”

“Well I wanted to get to know you.”

“While we are at the club?”

“When I meet someone I like I want to gather information. I didn’t come at you all Ay Shawty and I feel like you just dismissed me. I’m a nice guy and girls are always talking about there are no good guys, but here I am. It’s just girls like you don’t give me a chance.”

I started thinking oh geeze the nice guy spiel, I have opened up a can of worms and here he goes trying to get all deep on me. I don’t have time to dissect why he can’t get quality girls to like him. That will take time and lots more questions. I’m out trying to enjoy myself not provide dating counseling, but want to help him out a bit. So I say “Well you shouldn’t be looking for girls like me at the club. If you want to showcase all of your nice guy qualities you might have better luck at the grocery store or maybe the mall. I am not trying to have conversation like you desire while I am at the club. As far as what to say doesn’t really matter what you say if you start with a compliment. Don’t ask for basic vital information past a name and a hometown. A conversation is an organic, but living thing. It can develop in so many ways. One good question can receive hundreds of different answers if it’s a good question. If someone doesn’t seem interested find someone else, you will click with someone.”

“I like you, we need to get together. You make me want to put a ring on it. I like where your head is at. I can tell you are sweet standing out here trying to help me out. I really like you, let me get your number we need to talk some more and make plans for dinner.”

“No, see we didn’t click. You need to find someone that YOU actually click with. Have a good evening and get home safe.” I then looked at him crazy and walked off.

So what are your issues…

I watched P.S. I love you last night. It is not a great movie. Plus it’s weird to see Hillary Swank in a romantic role because she is extremely manly to me. I loved her in million dollar baby, but don’t buy her in love with a man. Okay, back to the point. So her friend Denise, remember Phoebe from Friends, is the best. When she meets guys she gets straight to the point. She is all “Hello, what are your issues?” In the movie it’s funny, but I started to think why not do the same in real life? Her questioning goes something like this,  

“Hi, I’m Denise. I love your tie.” She is all smiles and friendly.

Man responds with his name.

“Are you single?”


“Are you gay?”


After this response she turns on her heels and walks away.  She approaches the next guy in the same way. She tells him her name, compliments him and then starts with the questions. This guy she gets a little further with, but when she asks him if he is working and he says no, she shuts him down and walks off.


Thought this was like the best part of the whole movie, but it really got me to thinking if I should change my approach or better yet what questions I ask from the beginning. Not much sense in getting three dates deep into a situation and then realizing that you have wasted time on someone who is not up to par. I need to ask the important questions up front, during the initial meeting. Time is precious and my most valuable asset, so I need to know what I am dealing with out the gate.


However, I have to figure out what is the best approach. Depending on the situation, you either meet a man on the go or with time to spare. When on the go it’s you caught my eye, what’s your name, where are you from, what do you do, do you mind if I call you? You are basically going off whether or not you like what you see. When it’s with time to spare it’s the above questions along with so what do you do in your free time, where do you hang out, what area do you live in, do you like to travel, what reality show do you watch? You are able to get a better idea of whether or not you and the guy have a little chemistry and if you like his vibe.


Unfortunately, these aren’t the hard hitting questions that need to be asked. These questions just establish if the person is cool enough to spend additional time getting to know. I don’t generally ask someone if they are single because I assume if they aren’t they would not be approaching me, but life has taught me that this is foolish. So maybe the questioning should start with are you single, are you gay or bisexual, then dive into have you ever been married, and if yes are you divorced, do you have a roommate, have you ever been to jail or convicted of a felony, have you ever showed up at someone’s house unannounced, has anyone ever placed a restraining order on you, why did your last relationship fail, do you believe in monogamy, do you have multiple sexual partners during the same time period, do you have any addictions, do you like yourself, are you a democrat or a republican, do you and your mother get along, are you suspect of all women? I think these could all be asked within three minutes if you request a yes or no response in advance. I am sure there are other important questions that should be asked initially, but this is a work in progress. I need to develop a set of real questions for the initial meeting. I generally use a slow drip approach divided between the initial dates, but no more.


I wonder if asking so many questions will make men uncomfortable? I am more concerned as to whether or not a man will answer these questions truthfully. A friend of mine was telling me how on her first date with a guy they played truth or dare. During the game a lot of personal questions were asked, and at first she felt strange, but then she thought he doesn’t know me so why be shy and she just opened right up. I hope I get the same results.


I am going to do this tomorrow when I go out, and I will report back with my findings.