It’s me, it’s really me…

I have been in the dating doldrums, with absolutely no breeze. Nada. No guy that is currently in my life really makes me excited. Now there are those who are quite entertaining, but after I stop laughing I do need substance. Everyone is just so dull, so self absorbed, so not memorable, so stiff, so pushy, so needy, so sensitive, so intent on taking up all my spare time. I am not saying that I too don’t have shortcomings, but I’ve recently had a bumper crop of men that make me want to sit out a few quarters just to recoup the time. That’s not fair, they aren’t dull there is just no chemistry. If there was chemistry I could overlook the shortcomings. There have been moments of brilliance that glitter like gold, but when I reach out to grasp the little nugget it turns out to be brass.

I got a phone call yesterday from a guy who is by far one of my favorite men (if I were to have one), very charming and witty. We have known each other for a little over a year. We’re just cool. Do you remember your best friend from summer day camp? That person who you immediately click with, share your lunch with, share school secrets with, giggle uncontrollably with, sit on the field trip bus with, that one person you make fast friends with and you look for as soon as you arrive every morning. This is how I would describe us during the initial months, two peas in a pod. It was fun, but then we both became busy and I can’t say what happened. It’s just like when summer camp ends and despite promises to call and write your new bff somehow life gets in the way and years pass and you wonder what they are up to. When he called I smiled and picked up my cell. We decided to go to lunch. He said 2 and I said 1. So we settled on 1:30. I thought ah a breeze.

I arrived at 1:30 on the dot. I waited for about 15 mins than I sat down and ordered drinks and an appetizer. I called him, but my call went straight to voicemail so I texted. He immediately replied that he was in the city and on his way. He walked in at 2 on the dot. Exactly right on HIS time. I was irritated, but I thought be nice don’t be ugly. At least he will be stimulating and I’ll enjoy his company. The hostess brought him over to the table. He was all puppy dog eyes and I’m so sorry, I apologize for keeping you waiting. This melted any frigidness I had planned. He picked up the menu and asked what I wanted to order. Before I could even tell him that I had ordered the waiter came over with drinks and the appetizer. He picked up his drink and took a sip “Oh honey you remembered! You’re a real keeper. Why did we break up again?” I just smiled and then told him to figure out what he wanted because I was hungry and my stomach was churning. After we ordered the main entrees we settled into our booth and caught up. It had actually only been about two months since we last saw each other or talked, but he had a lot to fill me in on. He spent most of the time talking, but it was cool.

Then he stopped mid sentence, “I’m just going on and on about myself how are you?”

“It’s not a problem, I don’t mind hearing about your life because it makes me wish for psychotic co-workers and a running with scissors family.” I then took a sip of my drink.

“I don’t know if you are being serious and genuinely interested or if I should be offended.”

“Oh don’t be. If my eyes glazed over then you should be offended.”

“So how are you? What have you been up to since I last saw you? Did you paint that wall? I remember you couldn’t decide on a color.”

I started laughing because he remembered my insane project to paint my dining room wall the right shade of sun-burnt, golden orange. “YES!!! I found the purrrfect shade and it turned out exactly how I saw it in my head. Trust there was a method to my madness.”

“I just remember paint chips all over the wall.”

“And all that was necessary to figure out the right shade.”

He reached across the table and picked up my hand. “What happened to us?”

“Huh?”

“Why did we break up?”

“Uhm we were never together?” I was quite puzzled. I was confused and I know it was written all over my face.

“You were my woman and you know it.”

“I would hardly categorize myself as your woman.”

“Ursala, are you serious? I spent every weekend together with you for about 5 weeks AND in a row.”

“You never said you wanted us to be together. And correction we spent a day, one day, during the weekend together not the whole weekend. And if I remember correctly at one point you went on vacation with your ex.”

“I explained that I was going to Jamaica to celebrate a friend’s birthday and that my ex was going to be there. I was completely honest with you as to what happened while I was gone. I even called you from Jamaica.”

“I also remember that you dropped the ball more than a few times with plans. You tell me you want to see me. We make plans and you cancel hours after we were supposed to get together.”

“That happened twice.”

“Twice is more than once. It was cool, it was clear that you were dating other people. It wasn’t an issue I wasn’t trying to monopolize your time.”

“I wasn’t really dating anyone else. I had a few dates, but you were my main focus. You had to know that.”

At this point. I started to think back over us. I did like him a lot, but I checked my expectations because I never got the feeling that he wanted something serious or that he wanted to be with me. I go with my gut. Gut told me just enjoy it while it lasted. So I did. I didn’t invest any deep emotional feelings into it. I really just thought of him as a friend that I occasionally cuddled with. I mean I genuinely enjoyed his company. He also helped to keep me laughing with emails through out the day. Silly stuff nothing more than one or two sentences, but it kept the boredom from setting in on many a day. I started second guessing myself. Did I miss something? Did he want to be with me? Did I get him all wrong? “I’m sorry, I really thought we were just kicking it.” I looked down at the table when I said this because I really wondered if I had read the situation upside down. I don’t ever read between lines or delve too deeply into words that aren’t followed by actions. Men tell you what they want and then do it. I thought he was a great guy when I met him and I did envision us together, but after about three weeks I got the distinct impression that he just thought I was funny and amusing. I wasn’t upset about that, I  just enjoyed the moment.

“I don’t have time to just kick it. And I definitely don’t kick it with women.”

“Well you did with me.”

“No you don’t understand. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you? You never gave me any signs that you wanted to be with me so eventually I just fell back.”

“So that’s why I haven’t heard from you?”

“I missed you. I don’t miss anyone and I really missed you. So I wanted to see you, talk to you. See where your head is at now. Find out if you wanted a man now. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want a man?”

“What? I don’t really know how to answer that question. I guess it depends on the man.”

“I think that is the problem. You lack direction and so you don’t really know what you want.”

“Are you analyzing me now.”

“You date men and you don’t know what you want from them…you are just wasting your time and theirs.”

I will stop right there because I had an epiphany at the table. He was right. Well not completely right, but close enough for me to get uncomfortable. I think he is partially right because sitting there I realized that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I say that I want a man. I wrote out a list of things that I wanted in a man, but when it comes down to it my actions show that I don’t want a man. Even with him if I thought we could be together why didn’t I tell him why was I waiting on him? And when he did things I didn’t like why didn’t I call him out on it instead of blowing it off like it wasn’t a big deal? People need positive verbal feedback and if I receive it I should reciprocate instead of being vague. Plus men do things many times to get a reaction. I express no real emotions and I don’t react. I am closed. I am guarded. I am cold. I don’t show much affection. I purposefully send mix signals. I don’t share. I don’t give anyone a chance to really get to know me, the real me. It’s not that I am afraid to show the real me. I just don’t feel comfortable opening up and investing myself because I am afraid in the long run it’s not going to work out. I thought one day I would meet someone we would hit it off and I would be happy. This has happened more than once, but after the initial excitement I become concerned about the long term maintenance of the relationship. It frightens me and I feel inadequately prepared. I never thought that I had baggage, but I believe that I do. It’s just that I know how much a relationship requires for it to work and sometimes I am not sure I have that much to give of myself everyday. I don’t know what this means, but I do know that I am in the dating duldroms because of me. Although I want a breeze I am not sure that my sails are ready.

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Is that you God? It’s me UK…

I’m sitting on my couch in the dark. I can’t believe it, but it’s snowing outside.  Looks just like a snow globe. Beautiful. This abnormal weather has affected my electricity. My power always seems to go out during storms and I guess this fluffy snow qualifies as a storm. It’s been about two hours since my lights flickered on and off and then everything went out. I know Ga.P is working on it. Whenever anything happens in my neighborhood the clean up and repair happens quickly. However, they aren’t working fast enough for me.

I have some where to be in about an hour and a half and it doesn’t seem like my power wants to cooperate. I’m going to a sporting event and I would like to be presentable, not unironed and disheveled looking. The ideal is to be freshly showered, powedered, rouged, perfumed and perfectly primped. I have one option that is convenient. It’s close proximity will allow me exactly enough time to get over there and get ready with time to spare. It is a bad option, but it is an option and I think today is the day to exercise it.

My option stays right up the street from me, about four minutes away. I’m quite positive his power is on. The question: Is he home? The second question: Will he let me use his home to get ready? I know that I shouldn’t reach out to him, but my mind immediately went to him about midtext to my girl that I would  be late to the game. I stopped, I thought wait I can go right up the street. That in itself is a problem because I truly despise myself whenever I talk to him and for very good reason. He’s a whore and he is selfish, need I say more. 

I haven’t thought of him since the day after christmas, when he texted me a belated Merry Christmas. Anybody’s birthday you can easily forget, but baby Jesus? Who forgets that? He is such an @$$ #@!%, but those are the one’s I generally find the most endearing simply because they keep things interesting and entertaining. Plus he is so conveneint, I could walk to his house if necessary.

I got up to put my clothes and toiletries in my travel bag. Pretty presumptuous, I know. I know he will let me come come over. I picked up my cell phone to call him, a text would not do in this situation. I flipped my phone open and toggled to his name. Before I could press the call button, the lights flickered back on, as well as the heat and tv. I put the phone down. A sign from God? I am going with Yes. Most Definitely. He saved me from no electricity dialing. Thank you! Good looking out.

Am I THAT girl?

I recently had a misunderstanding with a friend and there was an unfortunate outcome. I don’t think we are speaking anymore. Now, I have sent a few texts and texting is the devil, but I expected a response. We had a long conversation about how not speaking was childish. He told me that if we were ever not speaking, he would like to know about it so he wouldn’t unnecessarily bother me. Especially if I no longer desired his company. He didn’t want to be THAT guy. The one who calls, texts, emails and sends carrier pigeons in hopes of re-establishing the lines of communications. So can’t he at least provide the same courtesy and let me know that we aren’t talking? 

I think it might be helpful to provide a little background about our situation. We met at Lucky. A girlfriend was trying to determine whether or not she wanted to hook up with an old flame while flirting with possibilities. I was peering into my empty glass when a guy approached me to introduce his friend. I think this is so lame, but he was older so I played along. This was during my older man phase, so while she sat contemplating our next move, I made nice with him. He was a little too smooth for me, but somehow I gave him my number. Not really somehow, we were changing locations and they wanted to tag along. So he asked for my number, for directions sake of course. He got me! Despite my temporary lapse of better judgment, I am grateful that we made the connection. After about four phone calls we decided to go out. Our first date was nice. I learned that he was a gentlemen, refined, well spoken, oh so smooth and witty. The best part is that he always smells SO good. I am a sucker for an intoxicating aroma. Think it has to do with my love for food, and smell is so key. He also likes music, and he opened me up to some new sounds that I had never heard before. He is also profound and deep, which works sometimes because he catches me off guard. However, the jokes on him because anyone who knows me well knows I’m not deep. It’s just not in me. I don’t know, but I just don’t have that psychic connection with the universe that causes me to have a deep connection with my emotions. So after a few dates and more conversation, it came out that he liked me, a lot. Problem, during this same conversation I discovered that he had three children. Not the one that I remembered from his second interview. Now he claimed that we focused on his first child only because I asked so many questions. We just didn’t get around to the second child, and definitely not the third child. So clearly it was my fault. I guess I just didn’t ask the right questions. Guys get me with that one, because if you don’t ask the right questions you will not get the desired information. I sometimes think about going to law school just so that I can ask the right questions and argue my point effectively. However, I thought it was strange that his other children never came up, and they are young 6 and 9. These are cute, cuddly ages that produce lots of funny, fluffy stories for parents to share. So with the three children in mind, I reassessed the situation and decided that it would be best if we didn’t continue dating. I told him this and he said he understood, but we agreed to remain friends. Now to be honest we had two dates after this conversation, so I don’t think he or I took me seriously.

We were chatting on my way to work last week, when I mentioned that I wanted to see Alvin Ailey. He thought it was a great idea and suggested that I get tickets. I giggled because I thought he said something too ticklish. I know that he caught my surprise in my giggle, but he ignored it, so I played along with him. The key is that we ended the conversation without me agreeing to purchase any tickets. I received an email later during the same day from a friend inquiring if I wanted to see the exact same show. Hey the universe provides when you ask. Who am I to turn it down? So I decided to tell him. I don’t know why I just didn’t come up with some lame excuse, but I am grown and I hate to lie when I don’t have to. Plus the worse is to see someone you blew off while you are out. This has happened to me, numerous times, and I’m just too old for that now. I thought my decision to tell him was courteous. Wrong!  He was not happy. He immediately texted me to say that he was displeased and thought I must be joking with him. I responded by text that it was no joke and that it was because I didn’t have to pay for tickets. I really don’t know WHY I said that. He did not like that response either and sent the following: You know I would do just about anything for you. I’ve taken you out on me. Not one time have you offered to give or take me out (not that I need you to). For you to decide to take that offer spells out the youngness in you. And your reply is really young. Wow that reply is crazy young, what’s wrong with you. I’m not going off, I’m just amazed at you. Hey look good luck to you in your endeavors. Now after reading this text I thought okay its over. I must admit I was a little sad, but all situations need a decisive ending so I thought this was it. To my surprise, he called me shortly thereafter. Since I was in a good mood and I consider myself to be quite mature, not young at all, I answered the phone. The conversation started off tense, but by the end of it I was under the impression we were definitely still friends. I thought the misunderstanding was resolved and we could go back to the friend charade. The next week I got a blank text from him. Not wanting to miss whatever it was he had to say, I let him know that it was blank. When I did not receive a response, I sent another text. I have not heard a peep from him since. Do I reach out again or do I let it go? Life has taught me that ALL men, no matter what they say or what you do, will call, email or text after the “end”. So I want to wait, but I am baffled because this is so opposite to what he preached. I also believe he wants me to be baffled so that he will therefore be on my mind. However, all that really doesn’t matter I just simply want to know what’s up. I mean I just want to be clear that we aren’t talking so I won’t be THAT girl.