You’re MEAN…take that

I’ve been going to church a lot more lately, at least more so than I have since I lived under my mother’s roof. I need divine direction right now and I find going to church helps me sort through my thoughts and re-energizes me for the coming week. I always get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when I’m there and I need that.

I never get to church on time, so I always end up in the rafters. I don’t mind it much because there are screens to see the pastor. Plus, I get to see way more people than I would if I sat closer to the pulpit. When I arrived in the sanctuary, an usher directed me to a new section and I decided to sit in the middle of the empty section about five rows up from the first row. I was all by myself and I liked it. I was surprised when another straggler came up and instead of sitting in one of the first rows chose to come to my row. All the free seats around and he decides to sit right next to me. Hmmmm? He greeted me with a “Goodmorning Sister,” and sat down. I nodded my head and turned my attention back to the last song before the sermon.

Through out the service my new pew buddy was pretty vocal, commenting on the pastor’s one liners, repeating what the pastor directed us to say to our neighbor and sharing his bible. He even went so far as to place the bible in my lap. Once the service was over I pulled out my cell phone to locate my mother. My new pew buddy asked if I was texting my man. I chuckled sighed and replied “No.”

“Do you have a man?” He said with raised eyebrows, as if I might lie and just say yes even if I didn’t have one.

I stared some what blankly at him and then I said “Yes, Jesus.”

He laughed. “Cute, If I was your man I would come to church with you. Please, I wouldn’t let you out my site.”

At this I nodded again and proceeded to get up.

“Where are you going?” I was a little alarmed by his tone which sounded more like “Woman where the hell are you going I’m talking to you?” I guess when some body shares a bible with someone they feel they have a right to know where and what the sharee is doing. I pretended not to hear him and continued making my way towards the stairs.

“Hey wait up!”

I sped up a bit after I heard this, but he was fast and nearly knocked me down to get to the stairs first. He did offer his hand as I stepped off the last step, but I ignored it and used the banister.

“Where are you rushing off to?” He said very nonchalantly like he hadn’t just pushed me over to block my way.

“I need to find my Mother.” I thought this might get him to back off, but it did not.

“Would you like to go to brunch? That’s if you aren’t busy.”

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. I thought he was kind of cute, he had on a nice suit, smelled good and had nice manicured hands, but he was so obvious when he came and sat next to me on my lonesome pew. “Thank you, but I have plans.”

“Ok, I’ll take a rain check on brunch. Why don’t you give me a call and we can get together later this week.” He then fumbled around in the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out a wallet. “Here’s my card, my cell’s on the back.”

I took his card and put it in my program.

“You aren’t going to call me are you?”

I am not sure what my face looked like, but he backed up a bit, so I imagine I looked startled and my lip may have been curled a bit. At first I started to say yes, but I was in church and that’s the last place I need to lie. “No, I’m not going to call you.”

“Why not? I’m a nice guy.”

“We’re in church, actually in the sanctuary and you are trying to pick me up. I’m not sure that’s appropriate.”

“Nothing wrong with finding someone attractive in church.”

“Maybe so, but you seem a little anxious.”

“No, I just know what I like when I see it and go after it.”

“You’re just a little bit overwhelming, and you come off a little pushy. I’m sure you’re nice, but I’m all set and don’t need to make any new friends. Hope you have a wonderful rest of the day. Be blessed. ”

He looked at me with disgust and snarled back “You think it’s easy for a guy to just approach a woman? It’s not! You complain about not being able to find a man and when a great one comes right up and wants to take you out you just can’t wait to say no. I hope the rest of your day is hell!”

I stepped back and put my hand on my chest. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. He was a little loud so we caught the attention of other worshippers leaving the sanctuary and had attracted an audience. Before I could even shush him or say anything he retorted with

“I think church is an excellent place to meet someone and I thought you might enjoy my company, but you’re mean!!!” He said the word mean like we were in kindergarten and I had the only green crayon and didn’t let him use it to color the grass green.

“What?!?”

“You heard me.” And with that he turned and hurriedly walked off in a huff.

People were looking at me and I can just imagine what they were thinking. I just looked over them and rushed towards the exit. I couldn’t believe him. The nerve of him to call me mean. I didn’t really know how to feel about him calling me mean. I’ve been hearing that a lot recently and not just from men who have been spurned by me, but by men who I’m genuinely interested it. What I get is mean and cold to be exact. In the church episode, he was a complete stranger so I could care less. That’s not true. I do care because I don’t want to be rude to people. I just thought he was tacky and too obvious. I’m trying to give reverence to the Lord and he was just waiting til the service was over to get my digits. I also didn’t appreciate his assumption that I’ve been complaining about the lack of good men. I am not saying that I have not complained, but he doesn’t know that and it doesn’t mean that I have to give every man a chance.

I just don’t know why if you don’t want to be hit on or do not respond positively to declarations of love you are suddenly mean. If I don’t think we click, I don’t find you attractive, or know that in the future you will get on my nerves or I on yours shouldn’t you be thanking me for not wasting your time. In real life you only get unlimited minutes on cell phones. With a finite number of minutes you should use them sparingly on people or tasks of no consequence that you have determined are not adding any value to your life or know right from the start you don’t want them to even try to add value. As I get older I don’t waste time with people or things that are not making me into a better person or hurt me. If I don’t like the way you talk to me, how you treat me or even how you smell I will cut you off and walk away. It can be something big or something small, but it will certainly dictate what type of access you are granted. Time keeps on ticking and you don’t have a moment to waste. When you think back over your life wouldn’t you want to know that you spent more time doing meaningful things then passing the time on meaningless tasks or with meaningless people? I don’t want to have regrets so I pass on the mediocre and mundane. I am past the phase of socializing with men simply for entertainment purposes. Plus I have real friends and associates that I like to spend time with. I will admit that I still have place holders, but those are a necessity and they have proven themselves to be value adders. Simply put time is my most valuable resource and I don’t have time to squander it away.

I don’t think anything I said was inappropriate and I was polite. Plus I don’t think church is the pick up spot. I’m not going to respond positively when I’m trying to praise the Lord and you’re trying to push up.  At least let me get to the lobby before you roll up on me.

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Wag the Dog or Deal Breaker #9

A guy that I have been seeing asked me to meet him at his house so we could drive to a dinner party together. He also said he had a surprise for me. I’m nosey and of course I like surprises so I’m all sure I’ll come over. I also think he was tired of me meeting him places. I am not big on people knowing where I rest my head at night until I am sure that I’m interested and they are mentally stable.

When I arrived I parked my car on the street and then headed up the walkway to ring the doorbell. I heard dogs before I even touched the doorbell. I cringed. I don’t have any pets. I can’t keep plants alive. I decided that I should call and tell him I was in the driveway. I pulled out my cell phone, but before I could dial he popped up in the windows beside the door with a great big smile on his face.

As he opened the door he greeted me with, “Glad you made it alright. Come in, Come in. You look nice. How are you?”

“I thought I would never get here. Thank you. I’m fine.”

I reached out to give him a hug, but the dogs rushed me and I froze. The dogs weren’t small. They were big large-pawed animals. They came forward in a tumble of legs, wagging tails, dangling tongues and cold noses sniffing all over me. Then one jumped up on me. “No, Ohhh Wait, Oohhh my, Nooooo.” 

I cringed, turned my head and closed my eyes, as if that would make them magically disappear. He then did what all dog owners do assured me that the dogs were friendly and just wanted to play. Then he told them to sit. I just want it to be known that I have never seen a dog actually immediately sit when its’ owner has instructed it to do so. They will after a few sits, but never immediately. He grabbed the one that jumped on me by the collar and said, “Chief likes you.”

“Oh, lucky me,” I said dryly.

“Come on in and make yourself comfortable.” He wasn’t completely dressed. He was missing a shirt. Boys think they are so slick showing off the goods this way. He led me into a living room and asked if I wanted anything to drink. I declined then he left to finish getting ready.

The dogs stayed with me. I wondered why he didn’t put them away before I got there. People who have dogs LOVE those little buggers. I know that owners develop a close bond and relationship with the pet and it becomes like a family member or fur kid. I do not understand this bond because I have no pets. I don’t think the way I greeted the dogs indicated that I liked them, so he should have taken them with him.

The dogs eyed me and walked around the couch. Then one laid down millimeters from my feet between me and the coffee table. I scrunched my feet back closer to the couch. Chief, the dog that jumped on me, came and sat down with his head inches from my knee. He proceeded to pant with his big tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. Oh and his breath was oh so doggy fresh with a tinge of a beefy aroma. I turned my head and held my nose. I was caged in by the dogs and the l-shape of the couch. Then I started thinking maybe he left them to guard me.

He came back into the room and laughed. “I see you are making friends with my dogs. They want you to play with them.” I looked at him like he asked me to decipher the hieroglyphics on an Egyptian pyramid, confused. I was thinking to myself I am not a dog sitter and what makes you think I want to play with your dogs.

He then clapped his hands and picked up a blue twisted ball of fabric and threw it over the couch. Chief immediately went to fetch it. The other dog laying in front of me just looked up and thumped his tail. Chief brought the toy back to him, then nuzzled and licked his hands. He threw the toy down the hallway. This happened about five or six times. Then Chief brought the toy to me and dropped it in my lap. It was soggy and wet. Yuck. Gross. I stood up and let it drop off my lap onto the floor.

“Oh be a good sport and throw it. You must be special. Chief doesn’t just play with everybody.”

“I never met a dog who didn’t like to play with strangers so I don’t feel special.” I was not about to pick it up and throw it. I couldn’t touch that disgusting toy even for that pretty nice boy, even if our happiness together depended on it.

He walked over to the dog, petted him and said, “Tell Ursala you like her and just want to play.” The dog barked and he turned to me “See I told you.” Then he came towards me with his arms out like he was trying to give me a hug. I backed up and tripped/stepped on the dog on the floor causing me to fall back on the couch.

“What’s wrong?”

“You’ve just been playing with the dog, don’t you think you should wash your hands.”

He looked down at his hands and continued moving towards me. “I don’t have the cooties.”

“Uhh Uhn, go wash your hands.”

He looked at me a little surprised then backed up. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, your dog’s saliva is all over your hands and you think you are going to hug me? No sir!”

“Okay okay okay.” He started walking towards the kitchen so I got up to follow him.

Then he said, “I hope you can shuffle cards, after dinner we will probably play spades. Do you know how to play?”

“Is that the game you with the little white cards with numbers and shapes on them?”

At first he looked concerned then he said, “You think you are funny don’t you?”

I laughed. “I can play a little, but don’t get mad at me if I don’t remember the cards that have been played.”

“See that sounds like you don’t even try to play right, you better pay attention.”

“I don’t think we have known each other long enough to be spades partners. I know married couples that aren’t on speaking terms when they leave parties. You sure you want to set us up for that?”

“It’s just a friendly game.”

“Well don’t embarrass me.”

“Please how about you don’t embarrass me.”

He then turned on the faucet and put his hands under the stream and rubbed them together three or four times. Then turned the water off.

“Uhmm soap please.” I went over to the sink, picked up the dishwashing liquid and squeezed some into his hands.

“Geeze, You’re a little germaphobic eh?”

I had no response for him.

Little nerves in my skin crawled and a little shiver went up my arms to my shoulders. Alarms went off in my head. I couldn’t help but think that he played with those dogs and those saliva soaked toys, then he touched things. Everything. The remote, the couch, the fridge door, his wallet, his keys, and his steering wheel. Probably even got in his car and came to see me and touched my back, my arm, my hair and my face. Ewwwww!  The more I thought about it the more it repulsed me. I started backing away from him and the sink. Then I wondered if he let those dogs lick his face and mouth. I imagined a layer of doggy goo glazed every inch of that space. The thought of touching him or anything in his home made me uncomfortable. I wanted to run right out of his house, but was frightened by the prospects of having to touch the front door.