It’s me, it’s really me…

I have been in the dating doldrums, with absolutely no breeze. Nada. No guy that is currently in my life really makes me excited. Now there are those who are quite entertaining, but after I stop laughing I do need substance. Everyone is just so dull, so self absorbed, so not memorable, so stiff, so pushy, so needy, so sensitive, so intent on taking up all my spare time. I am not saying that I too don’t have shortcomings, but I’ve recently had a bumper crop of men that make me want to sit out a few quarters just to recoup the time. That’s not fair, they aren’t dull there is just no chemistry. If there was chemistry I could overlook the shortcomings. There have been moments of brilliance that glitter like gold, but when I reach out to grasp the little nugget it turns out to be brass.

I got a phone call yesterday from a guy who is by far one of my favorite men (if I were to have one), very charming and witty. We have known each other for a little over a year. We’re just cool. Do you remember your best friend from summer day camp? That person who you immediately click with, share your lunch with, share school secrets with, giggle uncontrollably with, sit on the field trip bus with, that one person you make fast friends with and you look for as soon as you arrive every morning. This is how I would describe us during the initial months, two peas in a pod. It was fun, but then we both became busy and I can’t say what happened. It’s just like when summer camp ends and despite promises to call and write your new bff somehow life gets in the way and years pass and you wonder what they are up to. When he called I smiled and picked up my cell. We decided to go to lunch. He said 2 and I said 1. So we settled on 1:30. I thought ah a breeze.

I arrived at 1:30 on the dot. I waited for about 15 mins than I sat down and ordered drinks and an appetizer. I called him, but my call went straight to voicemail so I texted. He immediately replied that he was in the city and on his way. He walked in at 2 on the dot. Exactly right on HIS time. I was irritated, but I thought be nice don’t be ugly. At least he will be stimulating and I’ll enjoy his company. The hostess brought him over to the table. He was all puppy dog eyes and I’m so sorry, I apologize for keeping you waiting. This melted any frigidness I had planned. He picked up the menu and asked what I wanted to order. Before I could even tell him that I had ordered the waiter came over with drinks and the appetizer. He picked up his drink and took a sip “Oh honey you remembered! You’re a real keeper. Why did we break up again?” I just smiled and then told him to figure out what he wanted because I was hungry and my stomach was churning. After we ordered the main entrees we settled into our booth and caught up. It had actually only been about two months since we last saw each other or talked, but he had a lot to fill me in on. He spent most of the time talking, but it was cool.

Then he stopped mid sentence, “I’m just going on and on about myself how are you?”

“It’s not a problem, I don’t mind hearing about your life because it makes me wish for psychotic co-workers and a running with scissors family.” I then took a sip of my drink.

“I don’t know if you are being serious and genuinely interested or if I should be offended.”

“Oh don’t be. If my eyes glazed over then you should be offended.”

“So how are you? What have you been up to since I last saw you? Did you paint that wall? I remember you couldn’t decide on a color.”

I started laughing because he remembered my insane project to paint my dining room wall the right shade of sun-burnt, golden orange. “YES!!! I found the purrrfect shade and it turned out exactly how I saw it in my head. Trust there was a method to my madness.”

“I just remember paint chips all over the wall.”

“And all that was necessary to figure out the right shade.”

He reached across the table and picked up my hand. “What happened to us?”

“Huh?”

“Why did we break up?”

“Uhm we were never together?” I was quite puzzled. I was confused and I know it was written all over my face.

“You were my woman and you know it.”

“I would hardly categorize myself as your woman.”

“Ursala, are you serious? I spent every weekend together with you for about 5 weeks AND in a row.”

“You never said you wanted us to be together. And correction we spent a day, one day, during the weekend together not the whole weekend. And if I remember correctly at one point you went on vacation with your ex.”

“I explained that I was going to Jamaica to celebrate a friend’s birthday and that my ex was going to be there. I was completely honest with you as to what happened while I was gone. I even called you from Jamaica.”

“I also remember that you dropped the ball more than a few times with plans. You tell me you want to see me. We make plans and you cancel hours after we were supposed to get together.”

“That happened twice.”

“Twice is more than once. It was cool, it was clear that you were dating other people. It wasn’t an issue I wasn’t trying to monopolize your time.”

“I wasn’t really dating anyone else. I had a few dates, but you were my main focus. You had to know that.”

At this point. I started to think back over us. I did like him a lot, but I checked my expectations because I never got the feeling that he wanted something serious or that he wanted to be with me. I go with my gut. Gut told me just enjoy it while it lasted. So I did. I didn’t invest any deep emotional feelings into it. I really just thought of him as a friend that I occasionally cuddled with. I mean I genuinely enjoyed his company. He also helped to keep me laughing with emails through out the day. Silly stuff nothing more than one or two sentences, but it kept the boredom from setting in on many a day. I started second guessing myself. Did I miss something? Did he want to be with me? Did I get him all wrong? “I’m sorry, I really thought we were just kicking it.” I looked down at the table when I said this because I really wondered if I had read the situation upside down. I don’t ever read between lines or delve too deeply into words that aren’t followed by actions. Men tell you what they want and then do it. I thought he was a great guy when I met him and I did envision us together, but after about three weeks I got the distinct impression that he just thought I was funny and amusing. I wasn’t upset about that, I  just enjoyed the moment.

“I don’t have time to just kick it. And I definitely don’t kick it with women.”

“Well you did with me.”

“No you don’t understand. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you? You never gave me any signs that you wanted to be with me so eventually I just fell back.”

“So that’s why I haven’t heard from you?”

“I missed you. I don’t miss anyone and I really missed you. So I wanted to see you, talk to you. See where your head is at now. Find out if you wanted a man now. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want a man?”

“What? I don’t really know how to answer that question. I guess it depends on the man.”

“I think that is the problem. You lack direction and so you don’t really know what you want.”

“Are you analyzing me now.”

“You date men and you don’t know what you want from them…you are just wasting your time and theirs.”

I will stop right there because I had an epiphany at the table. He was right. Well not completely right, but close enough for me to get uncomfortable. I think he is partially right because sitting there I realized that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I say that I want a man. I wrote out a list of things that I wanted in a man, but when it comes down to it my actions show that I don’t want a man. Even with him if I thought we could be together why didn’t I tell him why was I waiting on him? And when he did things I didn’t like why didn’t I call him out on it instead of blowing it off like it wasn’t a big deal? People need positive verbal feedback and if I receive it I should reciprocate instead of being vague. Plus men do things many times to get a reaction. I express no real emotions and I don’t react. I am closed. I am guarded. I am cold. I don’t show much affection. I purposefully send mix signals. I don’t share. I don’t give anyone a chance to really get to know me, the real me. It’s not that I am afraid to show the real me. I just don’t feel comfortable opening up and investing myself because I am afraid in the long run it’s not going to work out. I thought one day I would meet someone we would hit it off and I would be happy. This has happened more than once, but after the initial excitement I become concerned about the long term maintenance of the relationship. It frightens me and I feel inadequately prepared. I never thought that I had baggage, but I believe that I do. It’s just that I know how much a relationship requires for it to work and sometimes I am not sure I have that much to give of myself everyday. I don’t know what this means, but I do know that I am in the dating duldroms because of me. Although I want a breeze I am not sure that my sails are ready.

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Just Say no to Sex or The Drought…

Overheard last night while eaves dropping on an adorable couple at the John Legend concert…

“I can’t wait to get you home.”

“Baby you’ll get lucky before we make it out the parking lot.”

The concert was excellent. Johnny was all pretty boy cool with his trademark smile and dimples. If only I could slink across the piano as he played. Oh and ladies he’s been in the gym, cause I don’t remember him having little guns. Estelle opened for him and she was terrific. She had on these monsoon causing butterfly wing eyelashes that I could see from my seat. Where do I get those? They sure aren’t at the MAC counter.  You should definitely see him in concert when his tour makes it to a city near you.

 

I said all that to say that it’s not fun going home to an empty bed on a cold night after a Johnny Boy Crooner concert. It got me to thinking about my current manless situation. How did I get here, not having any one to call for post concert cuddling? Is it too much to ask for a designated cuddle partner? A while back I realized that it was possibly I who created the imbalance in my relationship equation. I am not totally sure how I can manipulate the U variable right now, and not sure that I want to, but at least I recognize the problem. Isn’t that the first step on the road to recovery? Plus I am definitely in act right mode, now if only I could find a man who wants to act right with me.

 

The randy couple in front of me also highlighted something that dawned on me last night. It’s been over a year since I’ve done the nasty. What is even more significant is that I did not do the dirty deed in 2008. I am in my twenties and I didn’t do it for a complete calendar year. Wild!?! I just shut down and boarded it up. I have gone out a lot, but have not even come close to getting any. I don’t even put myself in situations where anything remotely sexual can happen. I say no to houses, don’t invite anyone up and there is absolutely no heavy petting. Why? I am afraid of S-E-X.

 

How does someone become frightened of S-E-X? Well it’s a short story that could be told in long form, but it’s unnecessary. I went out with a guy, went back to his place, proceeded to fool around, but before things got exciting I saw an open condom wrapper on the floor. The first thing that went through my mind was oh my word he’s a nasty rotten little whore. He just had sex probably hours ago and if I had gone along with things he would have had sex with me too. What kind of disgusting, perverted, licentious man does that? A corrupt, depraved little sexual miscreant, that’s who. I was stunned and speechless. I know that I would have had a mental break down right in his house had anything actually happened. I would have been comforted by the fact that he wrapped up, but the ideas that would have swirled through my head such as he might not have even bathed between acts, would have sent me over the edge. Whew, so glad we didn’t have to pick up the pieces from that. A simple little condom wrapper lead me to distrust having sex, with anyone that was not my designated, previously agreed upon significant other also known as my man.  

 

I was severely tramautized, and it is only now that I realize that it was this event that caused me to be so selective and firm about having a man before anything happens. It shocked me. It shocked me into recognizing that everyone does not share my beliefs and standards, I am not built for casual sex, I value the act and should find someone who shares my outlook and sex can and does kill.  It brought me back to reality.  In many ways I am grateful because I might have made different decisions had I not seen that wrapper. That one little object, ended my sexual revolution of sorts. Sometimes single moments define you. I have been afraid ever since, but it was only last night that I put the pieces together and realized that unconsciously I have decided not to be sexually active, not even fool around. My fear caused me to be cold and to shun any outward displays of affection.  It wasn’t a decision that I specifically intended, I think it was done subconsciously. Now that I have discovered the source of my unconscious decision making, I need to design a therapy program because I would like to at least have a cuddle buddy while I find my man.

 

Any Ideas???