See, It’s complicated…

Today, I am in a place that I have not been in a very long time. Confused Confusion. Basically, confused beyond my regular normal level of confusion.

There are people that tell me I am a natural flirt. I believe I am friendly. It can be confused as interest, when I am merely being nice or cordial. Don’t get me wrong I do flirt, and most recently by text and email. I exchanged information last week with a guy that was so super tight he made me blush for our entire conversation. My cheeks were HOT to the touch when he walked away. We talk on the phone, but the flirting goes down over text and email every day. Today I dropped by the post office to mail off a package and ran into a childhood buddy while addressing the label. After the hellos and howdoyoudos, she introduced me to the woman with her. Her friend greeted me warmly. Then my friend turns to me, “I believe you met her husband at the event last Thursday.”

“Oh really,” and I turn to her friend, “what’s his name?”

“John*, John Williams*.” Oh. I thought to myself that’s a distinct name and the one and only John Williams that I met at the event last Thursday.

“Ah, yes. I did indeed meet your husband.” I smiled, but I was thinking John Williams* is this woman’s husband? I have been flirting with and talking to this woman’s husband? I stood there while the two previous sentences processed in my head. Not once with all our communication did he mention her. I am certain he told me was not married. I am supposed to have dinner with her husband this evening. Hmmm.

I am adding facebook to it’s the devil status. Although today I should view facebook as a saint. I learned a guy I have gone out with on four separate occasions is in a relationship. At least that is what it indicates on his facebook page. So I chose to confront him with the information.

“Your facebook page says you are in a relationship with [Insert Girl Name].“

Silence.

“Huh?”

“The relationship status on your facebook page says you have a girlfriend.”

Silence

“But I didn’t friend you?!?”

“Irrelevant Detail. I am looking at your page right now.”

“What??? Are you stalking me now?”

I cover my hand with my mouth to hold back an astonished gasp. “Your dream would be for me to stalk you. Good Bye.”

My cell immediately rings and guess who it is? Him. I reject his call. He calls again. This time I just let it ring. He leaves a voicemail. Then I get a text message from guess who? Him. Asking me to call him. Then he calls me again. Is there anything more to say after you have accused someone of stalking? I don’t think so. You wouldn’t want to give the stalker any ammunition to continue the stalking, right?

I received a call from an old acquaintance in town on business that wants to get together. I know that I should have told him I was busy and just caught up with him over the phone, but I enjoy his company. I also no longer have dinner plans. I agree to meet him for drinks and dinner. We are enjoying ourselves when a young woman walks over to our table. “Hi Dixon*, funny running into you like this. [Insert Girl Name], remember her, your girlfriend, she wants to talk to you.” And she holds her cell out in front of him. Now, I am sitting on his lap. He gives her a look that says “Really? You are doing this, why?” I understand girl. She is protecting her friend and feels the need to let him know that she KNOWS and she SEES him looking very suspect when he is supposed to be her girl’s man. Oh and not only does she know and see him, but she has passed the information on to her girl. Who is now waiting on the other end of her cell. I do believe she should have handled it differently. I have no problem with her telling her friend or making her presence known by coming over to the table so that he knows he needs to tell his girl he was out with another girl before she does. However, rolling over to the table and basically demanding that he talk to his girlfriend is a bit much. We are not in highschool. I remind myself that I am sitting on his lap and that probably sent her over the edge. Then she eyes me like I knew he was taken and I am doing something wrong. I want to say something, but I decide to remain silent especially since I am sitting on his lap and anything I say will be sent over the waves and heard by the girlfriend waiting at the other end of the line. I want to spare her further embarrassment. No woman wants to get a call from her friend that goes along the lines of “Gurl you will never believe who I see all boo’ed up with some gurl that ain’t you.” Although there is nothing going on between us and we are merely old acquaintance, if he has a girl our meeting IS inappropriate. He takes the cell, “Hello [Insert Girl Name], I will call you later.” Click. He hands the cell back to girl who looks astonished that he has the audacity not to explain himself to her and his girlfriend. He reaches into his pocket and drops bills on the table, stands up and places me on the ground next to him, then tells me we need to go and grabs my hand. I look back, girl’s mouth is a big O. I feel his hand pulling me and guiding me out of the restaurant. I leave the place like I am on the back of a pick-up truck, going forward backwards.

All three events happened today. What’s up universe?

John Williams* is a fictitious name made up to protect the innocent.

Dixon* is a fictitious name made up to protect the innocent.

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The Brunch…

I need to redirect my chi, cleanse my karma or maybe I need to forgive somebody because I must not be living right. Today I went to brunch with a married man. A tall, handsome, clean-cut, educated, have my ish together, but joined in marriage to somebody man. After learning this vital piece of information I wondered did I miss something? Maybe my wires got crossed, but I now my circuitry and everything is working properly. Did I push up on him? I will flirt which includes smiling or making eye contact and holding it for more than three seconds, but from my recollection I didn’t even notice him. He was trying to holler, right? I think as a single woman I know when someone is hollering.

 

I was standing in line at Doc Greens in the way of people who knew what they wanted. After two weeks of no greens, I needed vegetables, but I was overwhelmed by all the possibilities. I allowed several patrons to pass me as I tried to figure out what I was going to order. I finally decided on some type of veggie, mushroom wrap. When I got to the register my meal had been paid for. I looked up and saw the smiling culprit holding my food. I thanked him, took the bag and proceeded to the condiment island. This is where the story should have ended, but he wanted to holler.

 

He came over introduced himself and we engaged in unnecessary small talk. See I had on sweats and flip flops, so I wasn’t really trying to get hollered at. Despite my desire to remain incognito I was Miss Chatty. The fact that he was cute as a button, sort of like an over grown boy, helped as well. He asked for my information. I declined and instead asked for his card. He said he didn’t have one so I ended up giving him my number. I am certain that he had a card, but I played along with his little game. He called shortly after I left the parking lot. Turns out we had a lot more to talk about.

 

Conversation flowed very easily, so it was no surprise when he asked me to dinner. I suggested we have brunch since breakfast is my favorite meal. At brunch, we settled into a traditional round of Prince or Michael Jackson, religious or atheist, democrat or republican, east coast or west coast, summer or winter, paper or plastic. We ended up talking about our families, and this round of questioning led to do you have kids and the all important what’s your marital status. When he said no kids I thought YESSSSSS! I was not prepared for the next answer. He responded that he had been married once. I asked, “How long have you been divorced?”

He responded, “I’m not divorced, I’m still married.”

I looked at him. Then I looked around the restaurant. I then said, “Are you separated?”

“Nope, I’m married.”

I whispered back “You are married?!?” He whispered back “Yes!”

 

My jaw dropped and nothing came out, but there were so many things running through my mind all at once, but I couldn’t find the appropriate response. What is the proper reaction or response to why yes I am married? I was also trying to figure out if I had missed something. There was no ring on his finger, I was sure that he picked ME up at Doc Greens, and after all of the prior conversations and texts I didn’t remember anything that indicated he was taken and he was definitely fresh and flirty. I was immediately uncomfortable, pissed, irritated and nervous. I was scared his wife might pop out of the bushes. I shared this fear with him and he replied “Oh she’s in LA.” Whew I was relieved, but then I was like WTH!

 

Of course I chose to dig deeper and ask questions instead of throwing my lemonade on him and storming out. I really think that kind of stuff only happens on tv. He explained that he never intended for things to get as far as brunch. Originally he just planned to pay for my meal and wasn’t trying to get my number. My response to that was “Well why did you ask for it?” He said I seemed nice and it was real easy talking to me. He only planned to talk to me on the phone ever so often. My response to that was“You realize you called me like three minutes after I gave you my number?” He replied “I wanted to talk to you. Didn’t you think we had a good conversation?” I ignored this and explained that he should have revealed that he was married somewhere between can I get your number and let’s go out to eat. He didn’t agree, he felt it never came up in conversation. Plus he added this was new territory for him and this was the first time he had gone out with another woman. He finished his statement with “You should be flattered, I never do this.” I wanted to tap him real good in the jaw as he sat across from me all smug, but seemingly sincere.

 

I told him that I was in no way flattered by his attention because he wasn’t available. His attention did the exact opposite it made me feel uncomfortable. We also talked about whether he was happy. My advice for any person in a relationship, if you aren’t happy leave, but if you are happy stay true and faithful. He wasn’t unhappy, so in my mind he was just greedy and selfish. I know that I shouldn’t have sat and talked to him after he told me he was married. I just wanted to understand the mindset, but none of what we discussed helped me understand. Plus I was further irritated when he mentioned that he thought we could be friends. What was strange is that nothing about him seemed slimy, trifling or fraudulent. But the devil never comes in a hideous disguise, he is always pleasing to the ears and easy on the eyes. Since I don’t want to go to hell, I told him we couldn’t be friends.

Texting is the devil…

I have this theory on texting. Texting is the devil. This is my theory. I don’t think it’s an original idea, but I like to think I started calling it the devil first. Why do I call it the devil? Well see the devil comes to deceive and destroy. I think that text messaging deceives the participants into thinking they are having a conversation. Plus everyone has had a badly composed text send the completely wrong message or signal. Or even better the text goes to the WRONG recipient. This is often only remedied by a phone call or face to face conversation to explain the text. Sometimes for me none of this helps, and I end up destroying situations. So texting is the devil.

Before texting there was instant messenger, before that emailing, before that the telephone and before that I guess people were writing letters. Maybe we have come full circle? Writing, the remixed version, it’s condensed with a tight beat. Texting is also a joke because it allows people to have fake conversations. I mean how much can one convey in at max four short sentences? Well maybe a lot, but I don’t seem to find those who are eloquently succinct. I have come across those who think they can have entire conversations with me over text.

I know men LOVE to text. It’s like a sport to them. The fastest texters I know are men. They can run circles around me and I T-9 it. Plus most men don’t really like to talk a lot. They know it is necessary, and will do it, but would rather not. When they are texting they are able to communicate in the form they most desire, short statements.

There is one curious individual who will text me, I will immediately call, and he won’t answer, but will immediately send another text. Strange and perplexing. We do have entertaining and informational texting sessions. I believe that I have learned a lot, but there is no depth to what I know only surface things. I could tell you his favorite movie, but not say his favorite line or scene from the movie. I could tell you what he likes to do on the weekends, but not why he chooses to do those things.

There is another individual who is the worst. I can tell when he has cracked his knuckles and is getting fired up for a long texting session, it often starts with a text that includes more than two probing questions. When this happens I often text “call me.” This never elicits a response. Oh and I will only get another response if I send another text. It’s like he is thinking I can only text please not a dreaded phone call.  On the rare occasion that he does actually pick up the phone to call it will be a very very very brief conversation. We have the shortest conversations. They generally go something like this…

“Hello!!!” I always have lots of enthusiasm in my voice, this is probably what scares him to texting.

“Hi.” This is generally with no enthusiasm. Think that guy who does the eye drop commercials.

“What’s up?” This is said with a smile, so it sounds warm and inviting.

“Nothing, just wanted to see how you are doing?”

“I am lovely…,” but generally before I can finish the sentence or ask him how he is, he will respond with…

“Well I’m about to eat, go into this store, drive through a tunnel, say hey to my mother, etc. So I will talk with you later.”

WTH! Well then why did you call me? I never say this but its exactly what I am thinking. Maybe I will text that to him after he jumps off the phone. I just feel that if you know you are about to do something, do that first then call me. HaHA! Jokes on me! I guess this is why we always go back to texting.