You gotta draw the line somewhere…

I’m prissy, I’m delicate and I don’t like to get my hands dirty unless I’m making cupcakes. I’m not the quintessential girl next door who can hang with the boys, but I do have some qualities that I’ve been told make me endearing. I love to eat and don’t hide it when I’m out on a date. I love action movies. I like big explosions, unbelievable fight sequences and macho men. I like sweaty men. I like hairy men. I like going to home depot, just love the way that place smells. I don’t scream or flinch at the site of bugs or blood, kill em or plug it. I’m not into sports, but will watch (and be quiet or call you afterwards) because I understand it’s like reality tv for guys. I really thought I was open minded. I thought I was progressive. Until today. Today I realized to hell with trying to be accommodating, dudes are straight trippin with this sports stuff and they need to be called out on it. Well one dude in particular.

I was invited to watch Extreme Fighting with a guy that I’ve gone out with a few times. Saying that I was invited implies that I showed up on my own, but that’s not accurate. We had planned on dinner and a movie, but the movie was sold out. We were trying to decide our next move when his face lit up and he announced that he knew exactly where we could go. A friend of his was having a fight party. I agreed to go despite not being able to think of a single boxing match that was coming on that evening. I thought well maybe he knows something I don’t know. Plus I actually smiled to myself because I had mentioned very briefly during our dinner conversation that I watched the Manny Pacquiao documentary on HBO. Yes! He was listening. So I believe this prompted his eureka moment of “I’ll take this lady to the fight party, yeah that’s just what I’ll do.”

When we arrived, the fight had already started. The host offered us food and drinks, but since I had just eaten I asked for a glass of wine. I could hear the fight, but I couldn’t see the screen. It was very crowded and people were standing all around, but they were all very enthusiastic. Yelling and carrying on like this was a title fight in the Tyson era (those were the days). My friend asked if I wanted to sit down and of course I said yes, so he took my hand and led me up some stairs to a little nook overlooking the den. Perfect. I could people watch and watch the fight.

We sat down, looked at artwork on the walls of the little nook (which made me want to start really paying attention to art and collecting) and then the host came up to make fun of us for separating ourselves from the crowd. We giggled, chit chatted the host then he called everyone’s attention down below to our secret hide-away. After being put on the spot I said that I was here to watch the fight and I was being distracted so “Shoooooooo!”

When I actually looked at the tv I was confused. The dudes on the screen were rolling around on the ground and punching one another. I sat my glass of wine down and peered at the screen. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The guys were in a drag out, “organized”, street fight. The only thing that separated them from say a street brawl were their little multi-logo emblazoned shorts, a ref and a cage. WTH?!? A CAGE? A CAGE! Actually a metal fence, to contain all the scrapping that was going on. What was worse is that when they weren’t rolling around on the ground entangled in one another’s crotch and legs, they were punching the stuffing out of one another bare fisted. I’ve never been in a fight, but I’ve seen enough fights to know that bare fisted punching is brutal. Plus they were both bloody, lumpy and in need of a trainer to treat their wounds and squirt some water in their mouths.

After about two minutes I couldn’t watch it anymore. I walked to the other side of the nook and looked at the art. First, I thought why would he bring me here does he think this is what I find entertaining? Second, what made him think that I would enjoy watching men savagely beat up one another? Third, was I the only one in the house completely repulsed by this? It reminded me of mortal combat they just didn’t pull a heart out of a rib cage while I was watching, but I bet they would if they could.  As I thought through what I might have said besides the Pac-Man doc, I started to consider that he might actually really be into this Extreme Combat Fighting.

About a minute passed before he came over to me, but he arrived at the exact moment that I was becoming alarmed about the possibility that he might really be into this. The alarm of my realization must have shown on my face because he immediately asked if I was okay. I started shaking my head no. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I wasn’t going to last too long. Watching those two minutes had actually made me sick to my stomach. He asked if I needed to sit down, I must have been ashen faced too. I nodded yes. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions that he was Extreme Fighting’s biggest fan, so I told myself he just wanted to see his boys and it was close.

I didn’t know what to say to him so we just sat there for a few minutes listening to the cheers and the sound of flesh being pummeled to a pulp. Then there was a collective “Ooooh” from the crowd downstairs and he jumped up to go see. I thought oh he likes this. So I said “Do you like this extreme fighting?”

“Yes, it’s like fight club.”

“Do you watch it often?”

“Yeah, I’ve even been to a couple of matches.”

Yikes wrong answers. I was trying to think what excuse I was going to come up with for having to leave. I know guys like sports and sports are a way to release the bottled up aggression that many of them carry around. However, I have to draw the line at modern day gladiators who look like they are literally trying to maim and kill each other. I also draw the line on men who are into this sport. Dude should have kept this underwraps like whatever porn he had at the crib. I can’t with a clear conscious watch one man try to kill another man and cheer. I don’t find it entertaining at all. I can’t even humor someone and watch a little bit. Even if he was the perfect guy for me the fact that he enjoyed this took him out the running. I know guys like guts and gore, but geeze this was on a level that I was not able to tolerate. I believe boxing and football are about as extreme as I can go. So I texted a friend and ten minutes later I told him that I had to go. I was tired and repulsed by the extreme fighting. Good Night and Good Bye. No further explanation.

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what you talkin’ bout Willis…

I must warn you this is long…

 

I decided to go out on a blind date. A kind hearted friend of mine who is concerned about me finding a potential husband felt it necessary to intervene due to my failed attempts to find someone on my own. It might be an interesting experiment to involve other people in the ridiculousness that I have found dating in the A. Don’t get me wrong it is fun, exciting and entertaining, but since I am not doing a good job of picking the winners I felt it might be helpful to involve others.

 

I agreed to meet the blind date for drinks before going to a sporting event. I am not into sports at all. I take that back I will go to a game to eat funnel cakes or go to a championship game party to eat cheese dip. Other than that I pretty much avoid sports. I texted, the devil, my friend the day of regarding the date specifics. She wouldn’t really tell me anything other than his name, a few physical characteristics so that I could identify him and where we were to meet. I arrived at the designated spot a little early and sat down at the bar. I was there for about twenty five minutes when I became a little concerned, the blind date hadn’t showed. I thought to myself am I being stood up. Then my phone buzzed. Luckily, I went to the wrong restaurant, by no fault of mine there was some confusion over the name of the place. Relieved, I texted her that I was leaving and on my way to the correct place which turned out to be a sports bar.

When I arrived at the bar I went inside and texted my friend that I was at the right place. I walked through the place looking from face to face for someone who fit the general description of my blind date. I went back to the  front of the place and scanned the room. A group of men standing nearby asked me if HE was late. I chuckled and told them I wasn’t sure yet. I looked at my phone and I had another text, this one said that he was there and looking for me. There was a man standing off to the right of me who looked like he fit the description, I looked at him then looked back off into the crowd. I thought to myself is that him. I figured it probably was my blind date, so I looked back and said “Are you _____?” He responded yes. I looked at him most likely with a blank look on my face, since I was literally thinking what was my friend thinking, but then I smiled and held my hand out. He was bald, about medium height, with an athletic build and a light beard or maybe it was a five o’clock shadow. He wore a leather motorcycle jacket and had a bandana tied to his head. His voice was raspy like he drank 40’s and smoked a pack of cigarettes every day. My biggest issue was the tooth pick hanging out of his mouth. Damn P. Diddy for popularizing the use of the after dinner food particle dislodger as a fashionable mouth accessory. Guys it is not sexy to keep a tooth pick in your mouth. If you have to use it, do so then discard it.

After I quickly sized him up I told him how I thought it was hilarious that I had gone to the wrong restaurant. He said it was no problem and that he was just happy I got there. He told me to follow him and we went upstairs to find a seat. When we sat down we played 21 questions. We started off with where are you from. We are both originally from the same place, but he went to some random highschool in the city. I thought this was strange because I was sure my friend said they went to the same school. I glossed over this and asked him how old he was. He seemed a little older than what I expected and what she texted me, but I thought well maybe she told me that just to get me out and or she hit the wrong numbers. I was under the impression that we were going to the game so I asked if we should get going since we got started a little late. He said the game was in the third quarter and by the time we got there the game would be over. Then he asked if I wanted to leave and go somewhere else. I declined and told him I knew he wanted to see the game and it was fine if we stayed because I liked the bar’s sweet potato fries. Next I asked him what he did. He said he was a ____. I was instantly intrigued because I had never met a ____ and I had tons of questions to ask him. Despite my curiosity the snob in me reared its ugly head and I thought oh my, did my friend really think I would be interested in him. She knows me and I thought my type so I made a mental note that we would need to discuss later. I am not going to tell you what he did because I don’t think it is necessary to offend anyone who does what he does or knows someone that does. At this point, a waiter comes up to the table we are sitting at and says that we have to move because the space is reserved. He suggests we go to the roof top, and I was like why it’s cold outside. He grins and says that they have heaters, I thought be easy so instead of protesting I follow him up the stairs. I think to myself I just have to make it through one date.

Luckily when we get upstairs a manager is coming out of the door and says they are shutting the roof top down in 10 minutes. I start walking back down the stairs and he is like where are you going. I tell him that I would like to put our names in to get a table and get settled. He says that he wants to smoke a cigarette. I smile and think oh great and he smokes too I have hit the jackpot. I told him that I would wait on him downstairs. I guess he changed his mind because he followed me back downstairs. Once we arrived at the hostess stand he asked me again if I wanted to leave and I replied that since I had gone to the wrong place initially and we weren’t going to the game I wanted to stay put. I wasn’t moving my car I had already spent $20 parking and I wasn’t getting in his car or possibly on his bike.

Of course there was a wait, so I just put my name in for a table. My phone starts to ring and since it’s my friend I answer my cell. My friend screams at me where are you and I’m like I’m sitting here with your friend. She is like cool glad you found him, he called me and screamed on me because he was getting anxious. I look at him and said you screamed at her, then I said to her I will handle him and chat with you later. I then turn to him and asked why he felt it necessary to scream on her. He responded that whatever he said wasn’t that bad. He then asked me what I did for a living. I told him that it wasn’t nearly as interesting as his job and asked him another question about what he did.

I was seated facing him when someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around to see a young man standing behind me holding out a cell phone and he said your friend is on the phone and handed me his cell. I look back at my blind date then back to the young man and see my friend’s name in the phone he is handing to me so of course I take the phone and said Hello. My friend is yelling at me and said you are talking to the wrong guy. I respond What!?!?!? She then screams at me again you are talking to the wrong guy!!! WTF! I look back at my blind date and immediately I’m like oh my gosh who are you then I look at the guy who brought the cell phone over. I then tell my girl in my defense I want you to know that they look similar. They did in the sense that they were both bald with a beard, medium height with an athletic build and that would be exactly where the similarities ended. I look at my fake blind date and I’m like you told me your name was ______. Then he is all like oh no my name is Anthony. My mind is reeling, but I’m happy that my friend didn’t really hook me up with this guy and it was all just crazy confusion. I told her I had to go so I could sort it all out.

I tell the fake blind date that he should be shamed lying and tell him that while it was nice to meet him I have to go. I am relieved, but still angry. The horror of this blind date is still haunting as I type. First that this psycho man played along and acted like he was my blind date when he knew good and well he was not. Second that he tried to take me to a second location. Oh the tragedy had I left with him. NOTHING good happens if the perpetrator takes you to a second location.  Third the snobbery that I experienced that I have never formally recognized but now I know I possess. 

If and when you go out on a blind date ask to see a license.