See, It’s complicated…

Today, I am in a place that I have not been in a very long time. Confused Confusion. Basically, confused beyond my regular normal level of confusion.

There are people that tell me I am a natural flirt. I believe I am friendly. It can be confused as interest, when I am merely being nice or cordial. Don’t get me wrong I do flirt, and most recently by text and email. I exchanged information last week with a guy that was so super tight he made me blush for our entire conversation. My cheeks were HOT to the touch when he walked away. We talk on the phone, but the flirting goes down over text and email every day. Today I dropped by the post office to mail off a package and ran into a childhood buddy while addressing the label. After the hellos and howdoyoudos, she introduced me to the woman with her. Her friend greeted me warmly. Then my friend turns to me, “I believe you met her husband at the event last Thursday.”

“Oh really,” and I turn to her friend, “what’s his name?”

“John*, John Williams*.” Oh. I thought to myself that’s a distinct name and the one and only John Williams that I met at the event last Thursday.

“Ah, yes. I did indeed meet your husband.” I smiled, but I was thinking John Williams* is this woman’s husband? I have been flirting with and talking to this woman’s husband? I stood there while the two previous sentences processed in my head. Not once with all our communication did he mention her. I am certain he told me was not married. I am supposed to have dinner with her husband this evening. Hmmm.

I am adding facebook to it’s the devil status. Although today I should view facebook as a saint. I learned a guy I have gone out with on four separate occasions is in a relationship. At least that is what it indicates on his facebook page. So I chose to confront him with the information.

“Your facebook page says you are in a relationship with [Insert Girl Name].“

Silence.

“Huh?”

“The relationship status on your facebook page says you have a girlfriend.”

Silence

“But I didn’t friend you?!?”

“Irrelevant Detail. I am looking at your page right now.”

“What??? Are you stalking me now?”

I cover my hand with my mouth to hold back an astonished gasp. “Your dream would be for me to stalk you. Good Bye.”

My cell immediately rings and guess who it is? Him. I reject his call. He calls again. This time I just let it ring. He leaves a voicemail. Then I get a text message from guess who? Him. Asking me to call him. Then he calls me again. Is there anything more to say after you have accused someone of stalking? I don’t think so. You wouldn’t want to give the stalker any ammunition to continue the stalking, right?

I received a call from an old acquaintance in town on business that wants to get together. I know that I should have told him I was busy and just caught up with him over the phone, but I enjoy his company. I also no longer have dinner plans. I agree to meet him for drinks and dinner. We are enjoying ourselves when a young woman walks over to our table. “Hi Dixon*, funny running into you like this. [Insert Girl Name], remember her, your girlfriend, she wants to talk to you.” And she holds her cell out in front of him. Now, I am sitting on his lap. He gives her a look that says “Really? You are doing this, why?” I understand girl. She is protecting her friend and feels the need to let him know that she KNOWS and she SEES him looking very suspect when he is supposed to be her girl’s man. Oh and not only does she know and see him, but she has passed the information on to her girl. Who is now waiting on the other end of her cell. I do believe she should have handled it differently. I have no problem with her telling her friend or making her presence known by coming over to the table so that he knows he needs to tell his girl he was out with another girl before she does. However, rolling over to the table and basically demanding that he talk to his girlfriend is a bit much. We are not in highschool. I remind myself that I am sitting on his lap and that probably sent her over the edge. Then she eyes me like I knew he was taken and I am doing something wrong. I want to say something, but I decide to remain silent especially since I am sitting on his lap and anything I say will be sent over the waves and heard by the girlfriend waiting at the other end of the line. I want to spare her further embarrassment. No woman wants to get a call from her friend that goes along the lines of “Gurl you will never believe who I see all boo’ed up with some gurl that ain’t you.” Although there is nothing going on between us and we are merely old acquaintance, if he has a girl our meeting IS inappropriate. He takes the cell, “Hello [Insert Girl Name], I will call you later.” Click. He hands the cell back to girl who looks astonished that he has the audacity not to explain himself to her and his girlfriend. He reaches into his pocket and drops bills on the table, stands up and places me on the ground next to him, then tells me we need to go and grabs my hand. I look back, girl’s mouth is a big O. I feel his hand pulling me and guiding me out of the restaurant. I leave the place like I am on the back of a pick-up truck, going forward backwards.

All three events happened today. What’s up universe?

John Williams* is a fictitious name made up to protect the innocent.

Dixon* is a fictitious name made up to protect the innocent.

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The Eternal Crush…

My life is back to normal today…I’ve been having that kind of week when you want to add just 30 more minutes to each day. And it seems like you can’t quite get to everything on your MUST do today list. Anyway let me get to this so I can scratch this off my list for today…

I went to get my car washed first thing this morning. I don’t know why I decided that it needed to be washed today. I haven’t washed my car in months, but today I desired it to be so fresh and so clean. I roll into the car wash thinking there would be no line and no wait but obviously first thing in the morning is when others think to wash their cars too.

I wait in line and clean out the inside of my car. I’m stretched over the seats picking up programs and shoes and miscellaneous papers and hangers and restaurant coupons and party flyers and business cards. I don’t have any children, but you couldn’t tell only one person rides in my car by looking inside it. I decide to get out the car to throw my nice little ball of trash away and put some other things in the trunk. I toss the trash, but turn around because I feel someone looking at me. I see what looks to be probably my number 3 crush in life. I immediately duck into my trunk. I wonder if it’s him or if I am imagining things. The last time I saw him we flirted something serious, but then he admitted he had a girl so I backed off. I don’t like encroaching on other’s territory because I believe in Karma. I am also severely unsatisfied with my choice of apparel. I’m definitely looking heck-hell-tic. I really need to start acting like a grown up and heed my aunt’s advice, “Look fabulous if you leave the house.” D@mn D@mn D@mn why can’t I follow directions! There are about 8 cars ahead of me and I’m thinking if I slow down he’ll be gone before I even get to the lobby to wait for my car. I close my trunk and look over to see if he is still there. Nope, he is gone.

As soon as I realize the coast is clear, I internally slap myself for panicking and being ashamed of how I am dressed. First it might not have been him. I then give myself the get a grip girl lecture along the lines of it’s not that serious, why are you acting all pressed, and don’t you have someone you are very interested in anyway, who cares that he saw you with a scarf on your head and a jogging suit, you’re cute anyway. Despite the lecture,  I decide to put my shades on to give myself a purposeful bohemian Hollywood look (is that even really possible outside of Hollywood? and what is bohemian about a jogging suit?), but it’s the look I’m going for and I pump myself up sufficiently enough to saunter inside like I have on heels and a dress.

I hand my ticket to the lady at the counter. I hear my name right behind me. I slowly turn around. It’s him. I grin slightly, but smile internally.

“Hey Ursala!”

“Hello [Mr. 3rd Crush].” He leans in and gives me a great big bear hug.

“I can’t believe I ran into you here of all places. I thought about you last week. I wanted to call you, but I don’t have your number.”

“Really?”

“But I headed out of town and I’m just getting back, that’s actually why I’m here. I parked my car at a lot and it was filthy when I found it.”

“Hmmmm”

“But good thing I like to keep my car clean, otherwise I wouldn’t have ran into you.”

“Yeah…”

“You look great by the way!” I know he is soo lying stretching the truth but I play along with it.

“Thanks.”

“It’s funny how we are always running into one another, but never purposefully.”

“Yeah…”

“So what’ve you been up to?”

Now mind you this whole time he is still “holding” me. After he bear hugged me, he kept one arm wrapped around my shoulder. He then proceeded to give the cashier money for my ticket and then steered me away from the counter. I am of course a little flustered because I have always and still do find him overwhelmingly sexy. At that moment he is too close to me for me to form coherent whole sentences. I’m going to need some space for that. I lean away from him so I can try to answer his question and this dude goes and plants a kiss right on my forehead. WTH!?!

“You’re so cute.”

I’m still stunned internally, but I try to recover externally. I turn my lean away into a whole step back. I am now a good foot away, but I decide to step back one more foot just to be sure I can speak safely without the threat of swooning or any more forehead kissing.

“I am well.”

This was all he really allowed me to add to the conversation. He’s car was up and he asked me for my number. I declined. I’ve got some pots bubbling on the stove and I want to focus on them. Don’t need to add any new cold pots to the burners. He said ok told me it was really good to see me and left.

After he was inside his car I thought dang I could’ve asked for HIS number just in case things don’t work out for me. I hate that I don’t think on my toes (can that be learned or is that just inate?) But maybe there are people you are never meant to talk to or explore anything with. The timing is always bad. Either they are engaged or you are in a relationship or they just came out of a long term relationship or you are a sentence away from being in a relationship, etc. I don’t think we will ever get an opportunity to talk. I think whatever opportunity we may have had passed in grade school. I can’t say that I don’t know him, but I don’t know him in the I’m trying to get to know you because I want to be your girl sense. Plus EVERY time I run into him, either he or I have something else going on. Due to circumstances and or timing I guess he will eternally be a crush, nothing more, nothing less. Just someone I desire, flirt with, and think about from time to time.

He texted me…

Okay so I was all hyperventilating and disturbed about Mr. Mean not calling me because I felt he was being all unfair again, but this time by not calling me. Even if it was rightfully so after I rejected him twice. All that didn’t matter. I had an all out stank mood and had convinced myself that somebody else had my number.

Oh but wait, I had all but given up on him ever calling me and then he texts me Thursday. Booooooooooo! On him for texting, but at least he reached out. Ah the relief it provided.

His Text

Hi Ursala, This is L______ from church. Your mama gave me your number. I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. How are you? 

Hmmm so I’ve been trying to determine what I should say or if I should say anything at all. Technically I just wanted him to still desire me and him reaching out (even if it wasn’t an actual phone call) lifted my spirits and I no longer feel rejected. However, since I was all out of sorts I feel like I should respond.

Waiting for his call…continued

I am not happy today. I’m in a mood, maybe not a bad mood, but definitely a mood. I’ll just say I’m moody. He hasn’t called. What is he waiting on?

Waiting by the phone…

I’m having computer techincal issues today that will postpone posting. Sucks.

Okay here it is.

So of course all today I have been waiting for THE call from Mr. Mean. It’s like I’m 15 and waiting for some boy I have a crush on to call me. I’m all anxious and stuff. I know I know I should not be concerned. I mean didn’t he tell me off? Told me I complained about the lack of good men and told me I was mean. Please note that I do not complain about the lack of good men in my eyes good men are plentiful. But I DO complain about the situations, encounters, incidents and misunderstandings I have with men. I was offended when he called me mean. I felt like he was more than a little rough with me. He didn’t know me. I felt he was taking out his frustrations of being rejected by yet another woman on me. Plus he raised his voice at me. Oh and he embarrassed me in front of complete strangers while I was at church. All of this was a problem and is a problem. It is why I saw him and attempted to act like we had never met before. It is why I leaped over the lap of a teenage man child to keep from having to interact with him after the service let out. I have a problem with him. I do not like him.

Despite my disdain for him I must admit I have been waiting for his call. I didn’t expect him to call on Sunday, but I did expect him to call today, Monday.  I believe that it’s important for new suitors to establish their interest within 24 hours of getting the digits. It shows me they are serious, interested and not trying to be cute and coy. However, since I didn’t give him my number I don’t think this rule applies. I am not sure what rule applies. All I know is that I am actually getting upset that he hasn’t called. At first I knew exactly what I was going to say, but now since he hasn’t called and I am perplexed, I am not sure what I am going to say. Or if I will even have an opportunity. What if he doesn’t call? I don’t know if I am prepared for this type of rejection. I know I rejected him first, but I don’t want to be rejected.

Why do I even care? Especially since I don’t like him. Because I know that he likes me or is at least a little interested. It’s simple now that he doesn’t seem to want me it makes me desire him. Crazy! I know. Maybe our last encounter completely turned him off. Which on one hand is good, but on the other hand now I want to prove to him that I’m actually pretty swell. Now that he hasn’t called I’m wondering what’s up. Note to self: Tell Mother never to give my number out without my express permission.

What’s funny is that I have now convinced myself that some other pretty boy did indeed have on a similar suit, with a name oddly similar to Mr. Mean’s, met my mother, got my number and is not calling because they took my number out of pity from my Mother who probably was peddling her daughter off as some fantastical woman something akin to a sparkly, rainbow-hued unicorn. Meaning he didn’t believe her because we all know unicorns don’t exist. So it’s ok or this is what I’m telling myself. Serves me right for being ugly to him at church, of all places.

It’s Sunday…

and I went to church. That’s what I’ve been up to this summer on Sundays. I go to church. It makes my mother so happy. I generally meet up with her after the service. When she sees me she just beams, and when she sees someone she knows she always introduces me as her daughter followed up with a great big smile. It’s funny her apparent happiness propels me to church now even if I don’t want to go.  

What’s better is that I actually got to church on time. So I wasn’t relegated to the rafters. I am very content to sit in the rafters because there is a lot more space. When you are seated on the bottom (or I should say on the sanctuary floor) they don’t like to leave the customary seat between each person. It’s like the movies when it’s opening night for a block buster they pack you in and there is a body in every seat. When I arrived I was directed to a partially empty aisle and told to go all the way down to the end. I made my way down the aisle and put my bag in the seat next to a very large teenage boy man. He was taken up a good one third of the seat that I sat my bag in. Side caveat: He really was taking up way more space then he needed to. I know that guys need space for the banana and berries, but my word there should be limits to how wide they can sit. They should square up with their shoulders or something there’s got to be a consistent way to bring order to the ridiculousness. Before I could sit down, an usher that I didn’t see quickly came over and asked me to move down a seat and hold my bag in my lap. Dang! He caught me. I picked my bag up and moved over as best I could into two thirds of my seat. I situated my bag in my lap and when I look up who do I see walking down the aisle? None other than Mr. Mean.

This is actually funny because I go to a rather large church, it is considered a mega church by some standards. While my church is large, it’s obviously not large enough to keep me from running into Mr. Mean again. I thought maybe he doesn’t recognize me so I immediately turned back to the pulpit. When he sat down he leaned over and said “I guess the Lord decided that our paths should cross again.” To my chagrin he remembered me. I didn’t respond I kept my eyes straight ahead. Then he said “I guess we are on the same schedule.” Again I didn’t respond. He leaned back over “You look very nice today.” To this I nodded (I know how to take a compliment), but kept my eyes straight ahead. Then he said “I’m still holding a brunch rain check just for you. What are you doing after church?” I leaned over and said “Thank you, but I won’t be using that rain check today or any other day.” I was actually expecting something harsh from him, but he said “I apologize. I hope you aren’t holding what I said before against me.” My response to this was a “ShhhHhhHhhhHhhhhush!” I then turned away from him, crossed my legs and attempted to find a space for my foot between the large leg of the teenage man and the seats in front of us. Despite my unreceptive body language, he was not the least bit concerned because he whispered in my ear “You need to forgive me so we can move on.” I inched closer to the teenage man, which caused him to turn and look at me. I just smiled and nestled myself behind his large arm and our shared portion of my seat.

Mr. Mean continued whispering every once and a while throughout the sermon things such as, “Your hair smells good, your shoes are pretty, I see you got a tan it looks nice, You should let me take you out I promise you’ll have fun.” I kept my back to him the whole service. As soon as the service was over, I leaped across the teenage man to get out of the aisle and bolted towards the exit. I looked back a few times, but didn’t see him. So I was safe.

I met up with my mom at our designated spot. She ran into a co-worker and of course introduced me. My Mother has the gift of loquaciousness so I politely excused myself and went to my car. As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot my mother called me.

“Hey Mama.”

“Are you still in the lobby?”

“No, I just pulled out of the parking lot. Are you okay?”

“Yes. I just met the nicest man.”

“Lucky You. Just what you’ve been praying for.”

“Not for me. For You!”

Then I hear her telling someone to talk to me.

“Hey Ursala!”

“Hello?!?”

“We give you our blessing. I know him. He is very nice, comes from a good family, no kids, never been married and he has a great job.”

Then I hear my mother asking for her cell back

“Mama?”

“Ursala, he’s cute, not like you like them, he’s a pretty boy.”

“You’re funny Mother.”

“I’m just telling you that he is nice looking.”

“Ok.”

“I gave him your number.”

“What?!? Mother!!! No!”

“Yes, he’s a good guy, comes to church, looks nice, comes from a wonderful family. He was so nice he gave us a ride to my car. You should thank me.”

“Wait, you got in a car with a stranger. You can’t do that.”

“He isn’t a stranger, Mrs. B_____ knows his mother. And he goes to church”

“Just because he goes to church doesn’t mean anything. He is a stranger to you. And you gave my number to this strange man. A man you don’t know.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. I know you’ll like him.”

My Mother has discerning taste, but she has never given my number to anyone so I’m a little concerned about her experimental match making.

“It doesn’t matter considering you’ve already given him my number. What if he starts calling me all the time?”

“Don’t answer your phone then.” I can tell she is exasperated with me, but I’m equally exasperated with her for giving my number to some strange man just because she met him at church.

“Mother you know I can’t do that I have to answer all calls to my cell right now. Well what did he look like?” I decided to be nice and not work my Mother’s nerves since I know she meant well.

“I told you already he’s a pretty boy.” I can tell I’m already working a nerve because I’m clearly not paying attention since I asked a question she has already answered.

“Could you be a little bit more specific? And what’s his name?”

“His name is L_____.”

“Wait did he have on a brown suit and a purply-lavenderish shirt?”

“Yes, he looked so nice.”

“NoOoooOoooo Mother you didn’t give that man my number.” Oh no my Mother gave my number to Mr. Mean. “Please tell me you are just playing or you meant to say you got his number for me.”

“He has your number and he is going to call you.” Click. My Mother almost never says bye when she is done talking she just hangs up.

I hoped there was some other pretty boy, in a brown suit, with the same name as Mr. Mean at church. I highly doubt it. I can’t believe my mother gave my number to Mr. Mean. The question is did he know it was my Mother or did she just pimp me out?

Deal Breaker #17 Geographically Challenged…

It’s that time again to discuss unlikely deal breakers. I will admit that some of them are ridiculous, but it’s my life (and I’m getting older and set in my ways). Plus, I have had a rash of incidences that have made me focus and get serious about what I can and can not deal with.

Everyone knows that a man being geographically undesirable can be a deal breaker. One who is geographically undesireable generally leaves states away in a far off distant land. I myself have imposed this rule, which has impacted me deeply because some people I have been really fond of were ruled out because they lived outside the state. Some really heart my heart, but I would rather be alone than suffer the pangs of loneliness caused by someone not being around when I want them to be. I’ve been in long distance relationships, so I’ve dealt with that type of loneliness and it can get ugly.

However, today I have a new deal breaker that falls in the geography category. This one I will call Geographically Challenged. These are people who live a distance that is farther than you want to travel. To be honest I don’t want to travel more than 10 miles to go anywhere, is that 15 minutes? Whatever it is mileage wise I know that I don’t want to be in a car for more than 15 minutes traveling to see a beau. And it’s not the gas, it’s the distance.

Anyone who knows me knows I do not like to drive. It’s an evil part of adulthood that I unfortunately have to suffer through now. One day I will have a driver to take me everywhere I need to go. Until then I keep my driving to the minimum. All the essential trips that I have to take are no more than 15 minutes from my house, including my mother’s house.

So why does fate keep sending me people who leave FAR away from me?  Crazy places that are outside of the perimeter and take a minimum of 30 minutes of travel time. I would love to find someone who lives in my neighborhood, but people are moving farther out to outlandish places that might as well be another state. I understand you can get more house for your money, but fiscal responsibility sometimes leads to ridiculous drive times.

What is crazy about this problem is that it’s not something that I immediately know, but will soon start asking. The drive time initially isn’t a problem because on the first few dates I always meet my date out. I generally don’t like for people to know where I live, so once I get comfortable I will generally venture out to the perspective beau’s house. This is when things get ugly, or at least recently. I had to tell one guy that he had to meet me somewhere in the middle. Another perspective I told flat out you live too far this is not going to work. I know that relationships are a two way street and if I am not willing to make the commute I can’t commit.

It’s me, it’s really me…

I have been in the dating doldrums, with absolutely no breeze. Nada. No guy that is currently in my life really makes me excited. Now there are those who are quite entertaining, but after I stop laughing I do need substance. Everyone is just so dull, so self absorbed, so not memorable, so stiff, so pushy, so needy, so sensitive, so intent on taking up all my spare time. I am not saying that I too don’t have shortcomings, but I’ve recently had a bumper crop of men that make me want to sit out a few quarters just to recoup the time. That’s not fair, they aren’t dull there is just no chemistry. If there was chemistry I could overlook the shortcomings. There have been moments of brilliance that glitter like gold, but when I reach out to grasp the little nugget it turns out to be brass.

I got a phone call yesterday from a guy who is by far one of my favorite men (if I were to have one), very charming and witty. We have known each other for a little over a year. We’re just cool. Do you remember your best friend from summer day camp? That person who you immediately click with, share your lunch with, share school secrets with, giggle uncontrollably with, sit on the field trip bus with, that one person you make fast friends with and you look for as soon as you arrive every morning. This is how I would describe us during the initial months, two peas in a pod. It was fun, but then we both became busy and I can’t say what happened. It’s just like when summer camp ends and despite promises to call and write your new bff somehow life gets in the way and years pass and you wonder what they are up to. When he called I smiled and picked up my cell. We decided to go to lunch. He said 2 and I said 1. So we settled on 1:30. I thought ah a breeze.

I arrived at 1:30 on the dot. I waited for about 15 mins than I sat down and ordered drinks and an appetizer. I called him, but my call went straight to voicemail so I texted. He immediately replied that he was in the city and on his way. He walked in at 2 on the dot. Exactly right on HIS time. I was irritated, but I thought be nice don’t be ugly. At least he will be stimulating and I’ll enjoy his company. The hostess brought him over to the table. He was all puppy dog eyes and I’m so sorry, I apologize for keeping you waiting. This melted any frigidness I had planned. He picked up the menu and asked what I wanted to order. Before I could even tell him that I had ordered the waiter came over with drinks and the appetizer. He picked up his drink and took a sip “Oh honey you remembered! You’re a real keeper. Why did we break up again?” I just smiled and then told him to figure out what he wanted because I was hungry and my stomach was churning. After we ordered the main entrees we settled into our booth and caught up. It had actually only been about two months since we last saw each other or talked, but he had a lot to fill me in on. He spent most of the time talking, but it was cool.

Then he stopped mid sentence, “I’m just going on and on about myself how are you?”

“It’s not a problem, I don’t mind hearing about your life because it makes me wish for psychotic co-workers and a running with scissors family.” I then took a sip of my drink.

“I don’t know if you are being serious and genuinely interested or if I should be offended.”

“Oh don’t be. If my eyes glazed over then you should be offended.”

“So how are you? What have you been up to since I last saw you? Did you paint that wall? I remember you couldn’t decide on a color.”

I started laughing because he remembered my insane project to paint my dining room wall the right shade of sun-burnt, golden orange. “YES!!! I found the purrrfect shade and it turned out exactly how I saw it in my head. Trust there was a method to my madness.”

“I just remember paint chips all over the wall.”

“And all that was necessary to figure out the right shade.”

He reached across the table and picked up my hand. “What happened to us?”

“Huh?”

“Why did we break up?”

“Uhm we were never together?” I was quite puzzled. I was confused and I know it was written all over my face.

“You were my woman and you know it.”

“I would hardly categorize myself as your woman.”

“Ursala, are you serious? I spent every weekend together with you for about 5 weeks AND in a row.”

“You never said you wanted us to be together. And correction we spent a day, one day, during the weekend together not the whole weekend. And if I remember correctly at one point you went on vacation with your ex.”

“I explained that I was going to Jamaica to celebrate a friend’s birthday and that my ex was going to be there. I was completely honest with you as to what happened while I was gone. I even called you from Jamaica.”

“I also remember that you dropped the ball more than a few times with plans. You tell me you want to see me. We make plans and you cancel hours after we were supposed to get together.”

“That happened twice.”

“Twice is more than once. It was cool, it was clear that you were dating other people. It wasn’t an issue I wasn’t trying to monopolize your time.”

“I wasn’t really dating anyone else. I had a few dates, but you were my main focus. You had to know that.”

At this point. I started to think back over us. I did like him a lot, but I checked my expectations because I never got the feeling that he wanted something serious or that he wanted to be with me. I go with my gut. Gut told me just enjoy it while it lasted. So I did. I didn’t invest any deep emotional feelings into it. I really just thought of him as a friend that I occasionally cuddled with. I mean I genuinely enjoyed his company. He also helped to keep me laughing with emails through out the day. Silly stuff nothing more than one or two sentences, but it kept the boredom from setting in on many a day. I started second guessing myself. Did I miss something? Did he want to be with me? Did I get him all wrong? “I’m sorry, I really thought we were just kicking it.” I looked down at the table when I said this because I really wondered if I had read the situation upside down. I don’t ever read between lines or delve too deeply into words that aren’t followed by actions. Men tell you what they want and then do it. I thought he was a great guy when I met him and I did envision us together, but after about three weeks I got the distinct impression that he just thought I was funny and amusing. I wasn’t upset about that, I  just enjoyed the moment.

“I don’t have time to just kick it. And I definitely don’t kick it with women.”

“Well you did with me.”

“No you don’t understand. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you? You never gave me any signs that you wanted to be with me so eventually I just fell back.”

“So that’s why I haven’t heard from you?”

“I missed you. I don’t miss anyone and I really missed you. So I wanted to see you, talk to you. See where your head is at now. Find out if you wanted a man now. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want a man?”

“What? I don’t really know how to answer that question. I guess it depends on the man.”

“I think that is the problem. You lack direction and so you don’t really know what you want.”

“Are you analyzing me now.”

“You date men and you don’t know what you want from them…you are just wasting your time and theirs.”

I will stop right there because I had an epiphany at the table. He was right. Well not completely right, but close enough for me to get uncomfortable. I think he is partially right because sitting there I realized that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I say that I want a man. I wrote out a list of things that I wanted in a man, but when it comes down to it my actions show that I don’t want a man. Even with him if I thought we could be together why didn’t I tell him why was I waiting on him? And when he did things I didn’t like why didn’t I call him out on it instead of blowing it off like it wasn’t a big deal? People need positive verbal feedback and if I receive it I should reciprocate instead of being vague. Plus men do things many times to get a reaction. I express no real emotions and I don’t react. I am closed. I am guarded. I am cold. I don’t show much affection. I purposefully send mix signals. I don’t share. I don’t give anyone a chance to really get to know me, the real me. It’s not that I am afraid to show the real me. I just don’t feel comfortable opening up and investing myself because I am afraid in the long run it’s not going to work out. I thought one day I would meet someone we would hit it off and I would be happy. This has happened more than once, but after the initial excitement I become concerned about the long term maintenance of the relationship. It frightens me and I feel inadequately prepared. I never thought that I had baggage, but I believe that I do. It’s just that I know how much a relationship requires for it to work and sometimes I am not sure I have that much to give of myself everyday. I don’t know what this means, but I do know that I am in the dating duldroms because of me. Although I want a breeze I am not sure that my sails are ready.

You’re MEAN…take that

I’ve been going to church a lot more lately, at least more so than I have since I lived under my mother’s roof. I need divine direction right now and I find going to church helps me sort through my thoughts and re-energizes me for the coming week. I always get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when I’m there and I need that.

I never get to church on time, so I always end up in the rafters. I don’t mind it much because there are screens to see the pastor. Plus, I get to see way more people than I would if I sat closer to the pulpit. When I arrived in the sanctuary, an usher directed me to a new section and I decided to sit in the middle of the empty section about five rows up from the first row. I was all by myself and I liked it. I was surprised when another straggler came up and instead of sitting in one of the first rows chose to come to my row. All the free seats around and he decides to sit right next to me. Hmmmm? He greeted me with a “Goodmorning Sister,” and sat down. I nodded my head and turned my attention back to the last song before the sermon.

Through out the service my new pew buddy was pretty vocal, commenting on the pastor’s one liners, repeating what the pastor directed us to say to our neighbor and sharing his bible. He even went so far as to place the bible in my lap. Once the service was over I pulled out my cell phone to locate my mother. My new pew buddy asked if I was texting my man. I chuckled sighed and replied “No.”

“Do you have a man?” He said with raised eyebrows, as if I might lie and just say yes even if I didn’t have one.

I stared some what blankly at him and then I said “Yes, Jesus.”

He laughed. “Cute, If I was your man I would come to church with you. Please, I wouldn’t let you out my site.”

At this I nodded again and proceeded to get up.

“Where are you going?” I was a little alarmed by his tone which sounded more like “Woman where the hell are you going I’m talking to you?” I guess when some body shares a bible with someone they feel they have a right to know where and what the sharee is doing. I pretended not to hear him and continued making my way towards the stairs.

“Hey wait up!”

I sped up a bit after I heard this, but he was fast and nearly knocked me down to get to the stairs first. He did offer his hand as I stepped off the last step, but I ignored it and used the banister.

“Where are you rushing off to?” He said very nonchalantly like he hadn’t just pushed me over to block my way.

“I need to find my Mother.” I thought this might get him to back off, but it did not.

“Would you like to go to brunch? That’s if you aren’t busy.”

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. I thought he was kind of cute, he had on a nice suit, smelled good and had nice manicured hands, but he was so obvious when he came and sat next to me on my lonesome pew. “Thank you, but I have plans.”

“Ok, I’ll take a rain check on brunch. Why don’t you give me a call and we can get together later this week.” He then fumbled around in the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out a wallet. “Here’s my card, my cell’s on the back.”

I took his card and put it in my program.

“You aren’t going to call me are you?”

I am not sure what my face looked like, but he backed up a bit, so I imagine I looked startled and my lip may have been curled a bit. At first I started to say yes, but I was in church and that’s the last place I need to lie. “No, I’m not going to call you.”

“Why not? I’m a nice guy.”

“We’re in church, actually in the sanctuary and you are trying to pick me up. I’m not sure that’s appropriate.”

“Nothing wrong with finding someone attractive in church.”

“Maybe so, but you seem a little anxious.”

“No, I just know what I like when I see it and go after it.”

“You’re just a little bit overwhelming, and you come off a little pushy. I’m sure you’re nice, but I’m all set and don’t need to make any new friends. Hope you have a wonderful rest of the day. Be blessed. ”

He looked at me with disgust and snarled back “You think it’s easy for a guy to just approach a woman? It’s not! You complain about not being able to find a man and when a great one comes right up and wants to take you out you just can’t wait to say no. I hope the rest of your day is hell!”

I stepped back and put my hand on my chest. To say that I was shocked was an understatement. He was a little loud so we caught the attention of other worshippers leaving the sanctuary and had attracted an audience. Before I could even shush him or say anything he retorted with

“I think church is an excellent place to meet someone and I thought you might enjoy my company, but you’re mean!!!” He said the word mean like we were in kindergarten and I had the only green crayon and didn’t let him use it to color the grass green.

“What?!?”

“You heard me.” And with that he turned and hurriedly walked off in a huff.

People were looking at me and I can just imagine what they were thinking. I just looked over them and rushed towards the exit. I couldn’t believe him. The nerve of him to call me mean. I didn’t really know how to feel about him calling me mean. I’ve been hearing that a lot recently and not just from men who have been spurned by me, but by men who I’m genuinely interested it. What I get is mean and cold to be exact. In the church episode, he was a complete stranger so I could care less. That’s not true. I do care because I don’t want to be rude to people. I just thought he was tacky and too obvious. I’m trying to give reverence to the Lord and he was just waiting til the service was over to get my digits. I also didn’t appreciate his assumption that I’ve been complaining about the lack of good men. I am not saying that I have not complained, but he doesn’t know that and it doesn’t mean that I have to give every man a chance.

I just don’t know why if you don’t want to be hit on or do not respond positively to declarations of love you are suddenly mean. If I don’t think we click, I don’t find you attractive, or know that in the future you will get on my nerves or I on yours shouldn’t you be thanking me for not wasting your time. In real life you only get unlimited minutes on cell phones. With a finite number of minutes you should use them sparingly on people or tasks of no consequence that you have determined are not adding any value to your life or know right from the start you don’t want them to even try to add value. As I get older I don’t waste time with people or things that are not making me into a better person or hurt me. If I don’t like the way you talk to me, how you treat me or even how you smell I will cut you off and walk away. It can be something big or something small, but it will certainly dictate what type of access you are granted. Time keeps on ticking and you don’t have a moment to waste. When you think back over your life wouldn’t you want to know that you spent more time doing meaningful things then passing the time on meaningless tasks or with meaningless people? I don’t want to have regrets so I pass on the mediocre and mundane. I am past the phase of socializing with men simply for entertainment purposes. Plus I have real friends and associates that I like to spend time with. I will admit that I still have place holders, but those are a necessity and they have proven themselves to be value adders. Simply put time is my most valuable resource and I don’t have time to squander it away.

I don’t think anything I said was inappropriate and I was polite. Plus I don’t think church is the pick up spot. I’m not going to respond positively when I’m trying to praise the Lord and you’re trying to push up.  At least let me get to the lobby before you roll up on me.

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