Just Say no to Sex or The Drought…

Overheard last night while eaves dropping on an adorable couple at the John Legend concert…

“I can’t wait to get you home.”

“Baby you’ll get lucky before we make it out the parking lot.”

The concert was excellent. Johnny was all pretty boy cool with his trademark smile and dimples. If only I could slink across the piano as he played. Oh and ladies he’s been in the gym, cause I don’t remember him having little guns. Estelle opened for him and she was terrific. She had on these monsoon causing butterfly wing eyelashes that I could see from my seat. Where do I get those? They sure aren’t at the MAC counter.  You should definitely see him in concert when his tour makes it to a city near you.

 

I said all that to say that it’s not fun going home to an empty bed on a cold night after a Johnny Boy Crooner concert. It got me to thinking about my current manless situation. How did I get here, not having any one to call for post concert cuddling? Is it too much to ask for a designated cuddle partner? A while back I realized that it was possibly I who created the imbalance in my relationship equation. I am not totally sure how I can manipulate the U variable right now, and not sure that I want to, but at least I recognize the problem. Isn’t that the first step on the road to recovery? Plus I am definitely in act right mode, now if only I could find a man who wants to act right with me.

 

The randy couple in front of me also highlighted something that dawned on me last night. It’s been over a year since I’ve done the nasty. What is even more significant is that I did not do the dirty deed in 2008. I am in my twenties and I didn’t do it for a complete calendar year. Wild!?! I just shut down and boarded it up. I have gone out a lot, but have not even come close to getting any. I don’t even put myself in situations where anything remotely sexual can happen. I say no to houses, don’t invite anyone up and there is absolutely no heavy petting. Why? I am afraid of S-E-X.

 

How does someone become frightened of S-E-X? Well it’s a short story that could be told in long form, but it’s unnecessary. I went out with a guy, went back to his place, proceeded to fool around, but before things got exciting I saw an open condom wrapper on the floor. The first thing that went through my mind was oh my word he’s a nasty rotten little whore. He just had sex probably hours ago and if I had gone along with things he would have had sex with me too. What kind of disgusting, perverted, licentious man does that? A corrupt, depraved little sexual miscreant, that’s who. I was stunned and speechless. I know that I would have had a mental break down right in his house had anything actually happened. I would have been comforted by the fact that he wrapped up, but the ideas that would have swirled through my head such as he might not have even bathed between acts, would have sent me over the edge. Whew, so glad we didn’t have to pick up the pieces from that. A simple little condom wrapper lead me to distrust having sex, with anyone that was not my designated, previously agreed upon significant other also known as my man.  

 

I was severely tramautized, and it is only now that I realize that it was this event that caused me to be so selective and firm about having a man before anything happens. It shocked me. It shocked me into recognizing that everyone does not share my beliefs and standards, I am not built for casual sex, I value the act and should find someone who shares my outlook and sex can and does kill.  It brought me back to reality.  In many ways I am grateful because I might have made different decisions had I not seen that wrapper. That one little object, ended my sexual revolution of sorts. Sometimes single moments define you. I have been afraid ever since, but it was only last night that I put the pieces together and realized that unconsciously I have decided not to be sexually active, not even fool around. My fear caused me to be cold and to shun any outward displays of affection.  It wasn’t a decision that I specifically intended, I think it was done subconsciously. Now that I have discovered the source of my unconscious decision making, I need to design a therapy program because I would like to at least have a cuddle buddy while I find my man.

 

Any Ideas???

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