Mount and Mate…

I am a late bloomer. All my life I have been behind the rest of the pack. I bloom, but just when I’m ready and not a moment before. I didn’t have a boyfriend in kindergarten, no Bud like Rudy Huxtable, and I didn’t have a boyfriend (if that’s what you want to call him) til eleventh grade. There were crushes, yes, unexplained heart palpitations, and occasional fumbled sentences in front of the opposite sex, but for the most part I was extremely unimpressed. Actually I’m still not impressed. So imagine my surprise when I experienced the overwhelming desire to meet a man.


I was at the airport on my way to D____ for the weekend. While waiting for the train to come, I decided to give my new Fit Flops a work out. I had to go to terminal D and according to the sign it was 4000 feet away, so I said, “let’s walk it.” When I got to terminal A, I saw a man or rather I saw the BACK of a man. His back was the sexiest back I have ever seen in person. Immediately I was attracted to his build or what I could see of it from where I stood. He was pretty far ahead of me, but I picked up my steps. I needed to get to him and I didn’t want him to get away before I caught up with him.


As I pursued, I started questioning my excitement over this man. Why was I so attracted to his BACK, why had I honed in on him, why was he making my pulse race, why I was so drawn to him? I mean he hadn’t flashed a smile, I couldn’t smell him and all I could see of him was his back. Ah his gorgeous back. I have only approached one guy in my life. It was a test of sorts. I just wanted to see if I could pick up a guy and get him to give me his number. When I’m not testing theories, I use the 5 second gaze, smile and look away approach. If that doesn’t get the desired reaction, he isn’t the one. I started to think of what I would say when I caught up with him. What do you say to some stranger in the airport at 5:35 in the morning? It didn’t matter. I was mostly fantasizing about what he would say back to whatever I came up with.


I was doing my best impression of an Olympic Speed Walker, I had narrowed his lead by the time we approached terminal C. He was quick and he was moving. My short little legs could only go so fast and I couldn’t exactly run in the stacked Fit Flops. As I got closer, everything about this man made me want to take hold of him and mount him. The back of this man was turning me on. He had on a pair of khaki shorts, a baseball cap, and a blue polo shirt. He looked to be about 6’4”. His back was just this muscular hunk of an expanse that beckoned from under his shirt. His calves belonged in a museum, they were perfectly shaped. He needed to be in an underwear ad PRONTO. This man was like a real live Spartan, straight out of the movie 300. All we needed to set the scene was to have him in a loin cloth, with shield in his hand, running in slow motion down the escalator. I was even impressed by the way he walked. It was some sort of rounded, circular gait. It seemed like he didn’t want to bend his knees or something. Whatever it was it was manly and it drove me to trip along at a much faster pace.


I closed in on him between terminal C and D. My hair was in a pony tail, but I violently yanked the clip holding it up. I don’t know why I took my hair down because it’s not like I hard a mirror to look in, but I DO know men like hair, and I planned to work mine. I still didn’t know what I was going to say and that made me nervous. I thought about asking for directions, but I was in an airport and there was signage with directions everywhere. I didn’t want to seem simple. I decided a great big smile and a good morning would be sufficient.


I was right behind him, but just as I was about to make my approach he turned around. I was startled, so I jumped back, but I am clumsy so I missed my footing and started falling backwards. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him. He smiled and said, “Morning, I didn’t mean to scare you.” His face didn’t disappoint, he wasn’t handsome, but he had a gorgeous, shiny white smile. However, my face immediately wrinkled up and I must have had some kind of absurd look on my face because he said, “Are you okay Ma’am?” This time I snatched my arm away from him, gave him another wild look and then I ran away. Actually it was more like a quick shuffle.


Why didn’t I smile back and say hello? Why didn’t I try to pick up the beautiful body that I speed raced down four terminals for? Why did I run away? When he opened his mouth what escaped was the thickest, warblely southern drawl I have ever heard. His voice didn’t match all that body. Don’t get my wrong a drawl can be very sexy, but his speech offended my ears. His twang was just all wrong. If sirens lured men to their death with their beautiful voices, then he lured women with his beautiful body and slew them with his voice.


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