July 1, 2009 at 7:26 pm (life, old-maid)
Tags: bucket list, Cook, count on hands and feet, DNA, Don’t be available, extended family, family, Fix yourself up, genetic code, genetic material, grandmother, How to get a Man, How to get rid of a man, in other words, John and Kate plus Eight, Keeping up with the Kardashians, kicked the bucket, Let him miss you, lipstick, look decent, Love, Mother, Oprah, relationship building, Run’s House, Smell like Vanilla, Smile, Steve Harvey, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Vanilla Perfume
Recently I have been spending a lot of time with my extended family, it’s the family season. We’ve had birthday parties, meetings, graduations and holidays to celebrate. I’ve also been witness to blow-out, one rolled eye away from a smack-down at these said family fests. They have made me want to be apart of the Kardashian or Simmons’ households who neatly handle all their family quarrels in 30 minutes. Wouldn’t it be great if real life could play out like tv? That is not my reality. It’s amazing how my family members people will treat complete strangers with more respect than people we are told by our grandmothers and mothers to love. I am a very BIG believer that you pick your friends not your family, so I don’t feel beholden to any of them except for my mom and my grandparents because they had a hand in providing my genetic material. So when I called to tell my Mom that I wasn’t going to be able to make it out to the evening’s family celebration, and she offered to come pick me up, I knew I shouldn’t protest. I actually almost gasped when she offered. My mother does not come to my house. I have lived here for over five years and I can count on my hands and two toes the number of times she has visited. In other words she didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t coming and she wasn’t taking no for an answer.
On the way over I wondered how I had gotten caught up in this celebration. I had planned to stay home and watch John and Kate plus Eight, but I know there is no time like the present to build relationships and tv is forever. We generally never go to restaurants our parties our held in living rooms, basements, on patios and sometimes in rented space, so this was a treat that I wouldn’t have to help bring the dishes up and bust some suds.
As we waited for our meals to arrive, one of my cousins suggested we play table topics. The table topic was “What’s on your bucket list?”. Travel and marriage seemed to be on everybody’s list. Now there were 5 older women at the table with 8 marriages between them, but four of them wanted to be remarried before they kicked the bucket. This desire to remarry led to deeper discussion and provided material for the topic of today’s blog.
How to get a man?
Wear vanilla scents. Bathe in it, lather on the lotion, spritz or spray it on, but smell like vanilla. It’s the universally man approved scent. Apparently Oprah and Steve Harvey agreed on this on her show and my cousins swear by it.
Cook. It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook. He doesn’t care if you just poured it out of a sack into a skillet or bowl and added water. So fix a dish and invite him over.
Look decent, even dare I say fabulous all the time but most importantly while running mundane errands. Put some lipstick on (not to be confused with lip gloss), curl your hair and coordinate. I am soooooo guilty of running to the store looking Heck-Hell-Tick otherwise known as hectic.
Let him miss you. Don’t be available all the time even if your plan was just to pick lint out of your belly button on Friday night. Oh and don’t answer every phone call, text or email.
Smile. Show those pearly whites and look pleasant.
Just in case you need this once you get the man, but decide you don’t want him.
How to get rid of a man?
Chop the ego down. Tell him how you really feel about what he does in the bedroom or just make something up.
Talk about another man or ask him to give you the number of one his friends (preferably one that is cuter or one that makes more money than him).
Ask for money, and oh not a paltry sum at least $1k.
Let another man answer your phone when he calls.
Have another man pick you up from a date or his house. This may start a fight so do this at your own risk.
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April 18, 2008 at 4:14 am (Why?, dating)
Tags: 11:00 pm, clock, God, grandmother, phone call, time
During each day, there are unacceptable hours to accept calls from new suitors. I think one must establish a foot-hold on a new island to call after dusk, but one must capture the island to call after eleven. Anytime before 11:00 pm is okay, if you call me at 10:59 pm then we are cool, but if you call at 11:00 pm we are going to have a problem.
I am not exactly sure how I arrived at 11:00 pm. No, I know. When I was a child 11:00 pm meant the news was coming on and it was too late for me to be up. If I was still up and around my Granny was not happy. I could be sitting on the couch with her at 10:55 pm, all hugs and giggles, but at 10:59 pm I had better be climbing into bed because the moment clock struck 11 it would be what are you doing up at this God-forsaken hour. When I was really little I thought something terrible happened to children after 11:00 pm. Childhood is where the association started, and it would be hard to reverse my Granny’s training now. So whenever someone new calls me at 11:00 pm I almost snarl at the phone. Now there are slightly different rules on the weekend, I’m a little more lenient, I extend a five minute grace period until 11:05 pm.
Unfortunately there are some men who only want to talk late at night. I can’t do it. I will only make exceptions for individuals who get off their job at 11:00 pm. Funny that I have never met an individual who qualifies. So everyone had better call me during good Christian hours. However, with people working longer hours and having after work commitments, it is reasonable for someone to get home around 10:00 pm, get settled and then call after 11:00 pm. This is the situation that I currently find myself in. I have a really nice guy that I want to get to know better, but he won’t call til after 11:00 pm. Based on his conversations during the day it seems as if he is extremely busy after work and calls me when he has a moment to catch his breath. Since I won’t answer the phone when he calls he thinks I can’t hang and go to bed early. I haven’t told him that I gawk at the phone when he calls. I’m not sure if this is immature to keep this information from him, but I know he knows that he can’t call me that late.
I have attempted to help him see the light. I will call at 8 or 9 pm. I have even called at 10:45 pm, but it never works and I’m surprised he hasn’t caught the hint. Why can’t we have a conversation at say nine, why must he always call when I am most likely exhausted, sleepy, tired and prone to mutterings of nonsense? Plus 11:00 pm and later is reserved for your man or for your friend that acts as your man, I will call him the place holder since he is merely standing in until you get a real man. While typing that I realized that I need to stop spending time with the stand in, that’s time that could be used cultivating a relationship with a real man, but I digress. As a new suitor, doesn’t he know that he shouldn’t call that late? So it upsets me to no end that he thinks it is acceptable to call me at God-Forsaken hours and he expects to have a conversation.
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