July 1, 2009 at 7:26 pm (life, old-maid)
Tags: bucket list, Cook, count on hands and feet, DNA, Don’t be available, extended family, family, Fix yourself up, genetic code, genetic material, grandmother, How to get a Man, How to get rid of a man, in other words, John and Kate plus Eight, Keeping up with the Kardashians, kicked the bucket, Let him miss you, lipstick, look decent, Love, Mother, Oprah, relationship building, Run’s House, Smell like Vanilla, Smile, Steve Harvey, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Vanilla Perfume
Recently I have been spending a lot of time with my extended family, it’s the family season. We’ve had birthday parties, meetings, graduations and holidays to celebrate. I’ve also been witness to blow-out, one rolled eye away from a smack-down at these said family fests. They have made me want to be apart of the Kardashian or Simmons’ households who neatly handle all their family quarrels in 30 minutes. Wouldn’t it be great if real life could play out like tv? That is not my reality. It’s amazing how my family members people will treat complete strangers with more respect than people we are told by our grandmothers and mothers to love. I am a very BIG believer that you pick your friends not your family, so I don’t feel beholden to any of them except for my mom and my grandparents because they had a hand in providing my genetic material. So when I called to tell my Mom that I wasn’t going to be able to make it out to the evening’s family celebration, and she offered to come pick me up, I knew I shouldn’t protest. I actually almost gasped when she offered. My mother does not come to my house. I have lived here for over five years and I can count on my hands and two toes the number of times she has visited. In other words she didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t coming and she wasn’t taking no for an answer.
On the way over I wondered how I had gotten caught up in this celebration. I had planned to stay home and watch John and Kate plus Eight, but I know there is no time like the present to build relationships and tv is forever. We generally never go to restaurants our parties our held in living rooms, basements, on patios and sometimes in rented space, so this was a treat that I wouldn’t have to help bring the dishes up and bust some suds.
As we waited for our meals to arrive, one of my cousins suggested we play table topics. The table topic was “What’s on your bucket list?”. Travel and marriage seemed to be on everybody’s list. Now there were 5 older women at the table with 8 marriages between them, but four of them wanted to be remarried before they kicked the bucket. This desire to remarry led to deeper discussion and provided material for the topic of today’s blog.
How to get a man?
Wear vanilla scents. Bathe in it, lather on the lotion, spritz or spray it on, but smell like vanilla. It’s the universally man approved scent. Apparently Oprah and Steve Harvey agreed on this on her show and my cousins swear by it.
Cook. It doesn’t matter if you can’t cook. He doesn’t care if you just poured it out of a sack into a skillet or bowl and added water. So fix a dish and invite him over.
Look decent, even dare I say fabulous all the time but most importantly while running mundane errands. Put some lipstick on (not to be confused with lip gloss), curl your hair and coordinate. I am soooooo guilty of running to the store looking Heck-Hell-Tick otherwise known as hectic.
Let him miss you. Don’t be available all the time even if your plan was just to pick lint out of your belly button on Friday night. Oh and don’t answer every phone call, text or email.
Smile. Show those pearly whites and look pleasant.
Just in case you need this once you get the man, but decide you don’t want him.
How to get rid of a man?
Chop the ego down. Tell him how you really feel about what he does in the bedroom or just make something up.
Talk about another man or ask him to give you the number of one his friends (preferably one that is cuter or one that makes more money than him).
Ask for money, and oh not a paltry sum at least $1k.
Let another man answer your phone when he calls.
Have another man pick you up from a date or his house. This may start a fight so do this at your own risk.
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November 24, 2008 at 10:06 pm (dating, relationships)
Tags: blind date, commitment, coupling age, engaged, engagement, family, marriage, relationship, the ring
I have reached the coupling age. The time when everyone around seems to be looking for deeper more meaningful relationships that lead to some serious form of commitment, marriage and a family. As a woman I realize that I have a shelf life, youth and beauty will fade and it is great to get while the getting is good. I survived one coupling cycle when I graduated from college. A third of my college friends married shortly after we graduated. Unfortunately, only one of those marriages is still in tact. I like to refer to those early marriages as the trial marriages. Those marriages are just to test the waters and rarely last. The coupling is in full force right now, maybe it’s because it’s cold outside and the holidays are coming up. Nonetheless that loving feeling is in the air and it ain’t cause it’s spring.
Due to the coupling season, it never surprises me when relationships and dating come up in groups of three or more women. I was having dinner with friends and the conversation drifted to the men folk. Half of the group was happily coupled or dating someone with lots of potential. I fell into the second group, those who are casually going out and seeing multiple people. I explained my situation and that I am cool with it. Basically, I go out and do so often, but I’m enjoying myself. I haven’t found anyone that I should settle down with. I have settled down before and I know what it feels like. It’s generally a whirlwind of emotions and bliss and kissing and blushing and giggles and butterflies and what are you doing so I can be there too. I know what it looks like and it hasn’t found me. In the meantime, I just enjoy the entertainment.
Well one of my friends didn’t want to just leave it at that. She asked “Do you want to get married?” I hate this question because it can mean so many different things depending on who says it and in what tone and after a certain line of questioning. It was only fair that she asked this question. I know that part of it is due to the fact that about four years ago I was nearly obsessed with marriage. It was so unlike me because before that relationship I had never concerned myself with marriage. I don’t think it was so much marriage that I wanted as it was a desire to be engaged. Actually maybe it was not even so much to be engaged, but just to have my hand spoken for publicly. My head was abuzz and it seemed only a ring on my left hand would silence it. I was in a serious relationship where the natural next step was an engagement. Looking back I realize that this idea was based on my upbringing, societal norms and an understanding of dating that made me believe that it was the only natural progression to what we shared. It was not necessarily based on what he and I needed to do. A ring consumed me and I talked about it constantly. I generally delivered soliloquies to whoever would listen but quietly to my ramblings. Each soliloquy ended with the question was there a U variable in his equation since I hadn’t received a ring. I am older and wiser and no longer afflicted by the needforaringitist.
Anyway, I told her “Yeah, I guess, eventually at some point if and when I found someone that I want to marry.” Next she asked “How do you feel about a blind date? I have someone I want you to meet.” I love that people are concerned about me and my love life. I often find that people want to help me and I appreciate their concern. I have been out on two blind dates. Both went extraordinarily well so I don’t have anything against blind dates. However, I have heard horror stories about them and I am shy. So I am always hesitant to agree to them, which is why I have only been on two. There must have been a full moon out because sitting at the table with all eyes on me I said “Sure. Why not?!”
To be continued…
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